procrastinating means suffering...

well, i always tell myself not to procrastinate my work... i hardly do but when it comes to clearing my already 'after tornedo strike kinda' room, it took years for me to actually get started until today when i FINALLY bertaubat to clear my yellow looking and berkulat books and notes since form 6... the dust is like..cm thick and the amount of dead si-py-da is a lot also... some dangling as if they committed suicide...

hehe..that's how thick the dust after i dont know how many years...

okies ler, when i was in AIMST, i thought i mite still need those books and notes mer, coz in the first semester, most of what we learnt were based on form 6 kinda syllabus especially biology. then, when i got the offer to go over the Sabah, i hardly have time to even clear my things that i transfered back from SP. mum also doesnt have the energy to clear my things, coz its a whole damn lot... i didnt know that i had so many books back in form 6, up to 2 big boxes and my notes, OMG, 4boxes eh...

some of the boxes that i used...

part of my cabinet... sia sui nia.. hehe

luckily some of my notes and books in AIMST i already gave to sumone. lau eh...really cant imagine the amount of things i will have after 5 years in sabah... mum says once i finish my studies in ums, she's gona send my things over to me... aiyo.. HEADACHE eh...

anyway, when clearing my magazines, it brought back some memories of the times back in high school...

my school magazines from form 1 up to form 6...

from the time i cried in class, fought with some irritating people, missed my school bus due to final exam in form 5, even had to push my old 'bus sekolah' when it broke down in the school compund and the list goes on... when i saw myself in my old RC uniform, i remember those times when i was such an 'ahli tidur' back in form 1, never bother about anything in RC until somehow was stimulated as well ler... having deccee as my senior as well as my godsis somehow gave me some encouragement to be more active in RC, that was how i started step by step, from school activities, outside duties, first aid quizes, competitions...until i received my certificate of merit in form 5. my happiest moment was when my team became the champion in CLHS first aid quiz..however, my torturing moments was went i became the HSL, leading a committee who gave me more heartaches and problems...being bombarded by officers and teachers and having to be the defence 'minister' in what ever circumstances..that was when i learn so many things that i didnt know. but again, thanx to my best buddy and another good fren for supporting me back then. if not for them, i wouldnt have become so tough to fight back and point out my stand...

my cute super rabbity (instead of piggy) banks..hehe..

then, came to the piles of colourful envelope..those are my snail mails...ooo,yeah...did i mention i love to send mails..??? its just so much fun reading back the contents..no words can describe the feeling... nostalgic? maybe... i do have lots of those lovely cards and some words of encouragement when i was down... but as time passed by, when people are getting more and more bz and with the advancement of technology, most people send out e-mails... im not left out, i do send emails but no matter what, i still prefer snail mails... hence, some of my frens still receive my snail mails or cards once i a blue moon... hehehe....yeah, its costy the sweet memory remains...imagine nex time when im 60/70 ( urm, if i can live up to that age) and reading back those teenager kinda letters...ehehehe.. or maybe showing them to my future generation as i think they wouldnt know what snail mail is all about nex time..
and then..cheng cheng cheng...FOUND money among my books ler... hahahaha... not much ler but at least can treat myself for sum meal..or maybe keep to buy a new watch..somehow, all the capalang and low grade eh watches ( mostly the RM10 from chee cheong kai ler..) all spoilt dee, either the stripe tercabut here and there or the battery just went dead after i wore for like 5 days... change duno how many times dee also cant help...so, its time to get a new hopefully branded eh watch to last me longer...

then, last nite was talking to bro about changing new hp, my 3310 memang very sick dee... auto off when i tengah pek chek... haih...when i unintentionally told dad about my it, he said u choose..either u wan a car or hp...adui... sure wan both ler, dad... hp is for the current moment mah... car i dont think so fast will approve ler...still have to wait till bro settle down with his job mer... adui... maybe, have to start some 'evil plans' dee ler..sumehow hope to get new hp before i balik to sabah... my 3310 wil keep for my digi line ler..dahlah the other hp for my digi eh memang coma dee..aiyo.. wish money will drop from heaven ler... PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

okies...better get going... cant wait to meet bro in a few hours time... till then.. will stop blogging dee... for a week ler... kakakaka... compile everything after my bro balik to puchong lah... and..tmr will start opening my ana book dee... time to bertaubat and get my brain to start functioning.. hopefully can go to botanical garden for the floral festival ler.. and will snap lots of photo... hehehe

urm.. need to burn some fats dee...

okies...its time to reveal the secret.. i've gained weight and urm, its REALLY OMG... i darent imagine the nex few weeks... with bro coming back on tues, its really eating marathon to the max. i think its time i get my butt moving dee. must get my jogging shoe and cap ready for the week... tak boleh tahan dee. i dont wana shock the whole UMS when i get back... hehe...

hmm..then, will stop blogging for one week dee..give chance to bro to get online ler for the week he is back. his business so big mer, one day didnt check the mail box, sure the emails berlambak-lambak dee unlike me, one week didnt check, no mails also ler. maybe that week also, can FINALLY start to really study my ana and physiology. havent touch my books for more than a month dee... and as usual, my brain start to rot dee ler. mum nags dee loh.."told u not to bring back ur books dee...NEVER listen..see now, u just waste the 8kg of luggage...or else can bring back more things to sabah..etc etc.." aiyo, typical ler... where can i predict i got so many things to do arh? some of my days, my parents dee planned ahead before letting me know wor..like the other day, THANK GOD i woke up earlier a bit than usual, so shocked when i heard my aunt banging and calling out my name so loud,,walau eh, wan the whole 19 floor apartment to know my name meh? sia sui ...

hehe...better start preparing for my things to take back to sabah dee... have so many things to buy... and okies ler..bertaubat dee, tmr bermati-mati also have to clear my things.. haha..typical me ler..kena some stimulation dee, only my limbs will start moving and the reason for this time is, BRO WILL BE BACK THE FOLLOWING DAY... hehehe... dun wan him to tembak me like a shooting gun mer and as usual, many of my things are thrown into his room... hehehe..till then... and here are the list of food to eat for the week...kua kua...how to diet ler???

1. steamboat... i will be choosing the ingredients...plenty of fishballs ler, 'hai som', fish meat, lots of mushrooms, vegetables (hei..need some vitamins also mer=)), prawns..etc... maybe i will fried some wantan ler...hehe
2. my crab feast... and steam fish with those so nice chillie paste...i aint gona give face to my bro eh..been waiting for this so long dee =P
3. maybe go eat some roti canai..those are bro's fave ler..he doesnt like kayu which is my fave hanging area...
4. Penang road chendol...hoho..my fave... and add sum laksa (suggestion by mum)..then..my padang's lok lok...my fave ler..
5. sg.pinang's curry me and duck meat noodle also in the list...thou i dee makan ler...hehe
6. sure bro will wana eat loh bak eh...his fave mer...hehe... i makan many times dee (this one wont snatch with him ler )
7. some ikan and sotong panggang
8. fried oyster ler...
9. maybe go swatow lane...can wallap the pai kut hokkien me again and ice kacang... hehehe...
10. char koay teow ler...A MUZ for every penangite...and the list still moving ler... hehehehe...

im confused...

since the day u volunteered to help me with the 'impossible' task,
i asked myself whether ...
is it u that i have been searching for?
is it u that i have been looking for?
is it u that i have been hoping for?
i do ask myself not to dream,
i do ask myself not to hope,
but it doesnt help much when...
my heart longs to hear from u so much,
my ears long to hear the beep or ur msgs or ur warm voice when u call,
my eyes long to see ur name on my phone,
i cant help it...

when u told me how sick u were,
my only wish was to see u at that moment,
my only hope was to be there beside u or give u a warm hug,
but it is so disappointing when i cant,
it is so painful when i can only pray that u're ok,
it is so torturing when i cant see u and share ur pain...
i was worried when u told me u're alone,
coz i dont want u to feel the loneliness that i have been going thru...
i wan u to feel that u have someone beside u always...
coz i am always there for u...
u know i care about u more than myself...

no matter what,
i really hope everything is ok on ur part,
i will always pray that u are happy and blessed,
i will try to accomplish the 'task' u assigned me...
but im wondering how can i do it...
as im questioning myself whether...
have u conquered my heart without me knowing...
or...was is just my illusion or dream...???

wat a day eh...

last time when i told mum that guys are no longer 'gentle men', she doesnt take my word seriously but instead she scolded me back by saying im not a good helper myself..but, what happened today kinda changed her perception and i guess she FINALLY understood my msg...

it was a damn sia suing thing when the car battery just went dead when i was just reversing out from the parking lot after went marketing with mum... i was blocking the road and those cars were honking as if i did it on purpose..that was bad enough...hence, mum says better push back to the parking lot as we just couldnt start the engine. i told mum to control the stering while i pushed since im so fat but she insisted that i control the stering as she didnt drive for so long dee while she tried her best to push... so, i guiltily sat controlling the stering while mum pushed the car.. coming to the point..there were a few guys pretty near to us but they just stared at mum without even trying to help her...WAY TO GO GENTLEMEN... i would very well said..DUMBASSES ...the very very pissing situation was the CELAKA parking attentant...dahlah didnt help mum to push the car sumore charged us extra parking fee COZ WE WERE PARKING AT THE LOT... if i know this is gona happen, i would just leave the car to jam the whole damn road... WALAU EH... i felt like throwing those 60cents right at his face...WAH..beh tahan...

im gona wack u guys like that if im ALLOWED TO...arhhhhh

of coz press the SOS button dee ler after that... dad came to the rescue with the mechanic..the battery is ok but the startle plug and duno wat ler dee capalang.. so, change this and that, top up the battery water and the black oil.. and the cost came up to RM195..adui..no money dee ler... luckily managed to finish on time as dad needs to use the car in the evening... i really cant imagine if the car were to break down this morning as both me and mum went shopping in town this morning... so, kinda thankful ler the car broke down at the right place..as the workshop is just around the market near my place...

so..after came back, mum tak boleh tahan dee...complained about how the guys could just stare without helping her..and i think she injured her leg and backbone dee...the car ISNT light and with me inside lagi... haih..GUILTY TO THE MAX... neway, MUM, this is the facts about guys nowadays... dont depend on them too much... i've went thru many situation before when guys just gave me such bad impressions that i wonder how will they lead the world in the future...???i'm not saying ALL guys are like that..but maybe im just plain bad luck to come across so many disappointing attitude guys...ishhhhhhhhh

anyway, today i got to know that there are allergies that i NEVER know before... allergy to the air we breathe, allergy to ajinomoto, allergy to rust..and the list just goes on...so so so kerlian my very good fren to have this 'allergies'..i guess he must has certain genes that are mutated dee... hope everything is allrite on his part... couldnt sleep the whole nite, wondering what went wrong with him when he vomitted half a yesterday till even when i chatted with him early in the morning, he was still vomitting... aiyo... eat some healthy food my dear fren...

to my AIMST buddies, im sorry that i dont know when im gonna meet u guys...its kinda hard for me to go over to SP..dad needs to use the car..so sorry..i will try to find my way..but no promise... till then...all the best to u guys for the coming tests or is it exam??? dun pressure urselves too much... GOD bless...

a good day..hehe

though i didnt see the first two of Xmen episode (or maybe i did but dont remember..hehe), it was nice to watch the Finale..it was so cool when 'those mutants' have such wonderful powers of their own... the coolest part was when one of the leaders ( gosh..wats that guy name dee... i cud remember him as Gondolf in LOTR nia..aiks) transfer the bridge from its orginal location to the island in which the so-called doctors are trying to 'cure' those mutants so that they can be normal ppl just like the others... hehe...

anyway, it was nice catching up with jason just now... my godbro whom i didnt meet for more than a year dee... and he brought his fren along, eng luen whom i remembered meeting 2 years back together with dinesh at pelita... but he was very sure he didnt see me before..wat to do ler... haha..so nice, today's movie ticket jason treat and also the popcorn combo... hehe... THANX bro.. luv u so much.. hehehe... and thanx to eng luen also for treating me drink during lunch..hehe... so, din really spend any money today except for some stationeries...

okies...just hope i can get to watch poseidon and da vince ler.. aiyo... MI3 also not yet watch eh... sien sien sien....

a good day..hehe

though i didnt see the first two of Xmen episode (or maybe i did but dont remember..hehe), it was nice to watch the Finale..it was so cool when 'those mutants' have such wonderful powers of their own... the coolest part was when one of the leaders ( gosh..wats that guy name dee... i cud remember him as Gondolf in LOTR nia..aiks) transfer the bridge from its orginal location to the island in which the so-called doctors are trying to 'cure' those mutants so that they can be normal ppl just like the others... hehe...

anyway, it was nice catching up with jason just now... my godbro whom i didnt meet for more than a year dee... and he brought his fren along, eng luen whom i remembered meeting 2 years back together with dinesh at pelita... but he was very sure he didnt see me before..wat to do ler... haha..so nice, today's movie ticket jason treat and also the popcorn combo... hehe... THANX bro.. luv u so much.. hehehe... and thanx to eng luen also for treating me drink during lunch..hehe... so, din really spend any money today except for some stationeries...

okies...just hope i can get to watch poseidon and da vince ler.. aiyo... MI3 also not yet watch eh... sien sien sien....

a good day..hehe

though i didnt see the first two of Xmen episode (or maybe i did but dont remember..hehe), it was nice to watch the Finale..it was so cool when 'those mutants' have such wonderful powers of their own... the coolest part was when one of the leaders ( gosh..wats that guy name dee... i cud remember him as Gondolf in LOTR nia..aiks) transfer the bridge from its orginal location to the island in which the so-called doctors are trying to 'cure' those mutants so that they can be normal ppl just like the others... hehe...

anyway, it was nice catching up with jason just now... my godbro whom i didnt meet for more than a year dee... and he brought his fren along, eng luen whom i remembered meeting 2 years back together with dinesh at pelita... but he was very sure he didnt see me before..wat to do ler... haha..so nice, today's movie ticket jason treat and also the popcorn combo... hehe... THANX bro.. luv u so much.. hehehe... and thanx to eng luen also for treating me drink during lunch..hehe... so, din really spend any money today except for some stationeries...

okies...just hope i can get to watch poseidon and da vince ler.. aiyo... MI3 also not yet watch eh... sien sien sien....

shopping...

i wish i have more money for shoppings... hehe.. i guess everyone hope or wish for the same thing... hehe... well, today went over to prangin and komtar with mum..it has been ages since i last went over to komtar, i cant remember the last time i walked past there.. hehe... i also didnt go to prangin for sometime dee, the last time was to do my specs... nvm about that...

its a fruitful 'window shopping' when i actually managed to buy 4shirts and somthing like a sweater/shirt and 2 pairs of slack plus one pooh towel and a slipper...kakaka... luckily mum is clever to bring some cash coz i dont have much cash left after i return to pg.. those shops dont accept card eh...hehehe... mum also got herself a blouse... its not the end of shopping spree yet but just the BEGINNING... hahaha.. i already told her i need to get new clothes before i came back and i guess mum thought i wana change the whole wardrobe like that and she keeps saying its time u start hunting for ur new clothes... i just LUV U SO MUCH MUMMY... hugggggggssss..im wondering my luggage is enough for my things when i return to sabah..i already have my 8kg books dee.. sure overweight dee... coz there are so many things i havent buy, my shoes, sandals, etc etc... kekekeke....

anyway, the funny thing was my fren, kah wai saw me in komtar..okies, thats something i dont like when ppl saw me but i didnt see them... he sent a msg to me but i pretended it wasnt me... but when i asked him wat colour tee i was wearing, it was TOTALLY So wrong.. i was wearing PINK but he said yellow..even mum was in black tee..either he is colour blind or guess the wrong person..damn sia sui...MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

hmm.. i think i should plan my trip to SP ler..but i dont know how.. yang just told me that he saw 'my twin' there who is studying medic also... so alike..ishhhh... a replica of me to remind them that im still there... hahahaha...

okies..better oioi early...tmr wana go book my genting tickets dee... hehehehe...cant wait to go there again after 2 years... can go into the casino dee.. sua ku..oink oink...

meeting up...

its so nice to meet up with the rest of 6 melurian..thou the population is getting smaller and smaller with some of us not in penang, some really lost touch dee... okies..8 of us turn up, me, alicia, melvin, justin, shun yit, christine, chin yen and jean nie... chin yen was so blur that he went over to subaidah first.. hahaha... hooi ching didnt wana come coz she wana see herself on tv as her team won the spirit of kl thingy...way to go, babe... basically, we are now 'divided' into two main categories, those working and those studying... of course those working eh will talk about companies and working thingy... and those studying still or i should say goyang kaki here and there, during hols or no class eh days mah talk about comp thingy or wats interesting here and there...hehe...

hehe..the funny thingy was, fred also turned up at kayu..but urm, we didnt inform him... oppsie...dont mean it... but due to some conflict the other time when y.chang around, i darent think about asking those not very close ler... nvm..there's always a nex time mer.. but the nex time no more kayu dee...must be somewhere near town or pulau tikus dee...haha.... till then.. hope to meet again before i balik merana kat sabah ler..woohoooo....

dont really know what got into me but i became so moody and restless... i didnt know what actually stimulate that emotion in me... yeah, probably of that word SENSITIVE... im damn sure i hate that word... it hurts to the butt when the person keep repeating the same word each time he joked but im not allow to joke in return... what the .....????? how do u define sensitivity??? and it simply pissed me off when people joke without thinking about how others will feel and the recent was someone PURPOSELY said im khoo may cheng when he knows VERY WELL that im not... i would like to swear mind u, but im being patient... if u gonna step on my tail again, u better make sure u vanish before i see any trace of u... arhhhhhhhhhhh....

another thing, i still couldnt understand why people luv making promises when they know they cant fulfill it... i can remember all the promises people swear to me but i DONT remember any of them fulfilling it... i dont know how many times i have mentioned this but each time i do so, the pain just become worse and the burden becomes heavier... i couldnt do anything coz im not them... i used to pray hard for sum miracles to happen but i dont think i will anymore... its too much for me to carry on like that...

anyway, the NORMALITY that the dr mentioned to me wasnt convincing as i know SOMETHING isnt right...coz the other day when i followed dad to bukit dumbar, i suddenly felt so dizzy after i walked up part of a sloopy road. i didnt tell him coz i dont want them to worry... i just wish i know..maybe BT is right, there's something wrong with my heart... i will go for further screening IF I REALLY HAVE TO before i head back to sabah...

parenting???

parenting..that was something that NEVER came across my mind..but when i constantly hear ppl my age talking about it, it makes me wonder whether the 'philosophy' my mum has been telling me all these while is true... well, the impact of the question whether i am a mother still lingers in my head... when i learnt that some of my frens already had their first babies right after form 5, i dont envy them.. but im wondering have they made the right decision.. some of them are brave enough to face the real world and bring up their child, but i guess there are many that are still carrying this burden either alone or with someone... i know the best ever gift to a mother is to see her child grow up well... but to carry this burden at a young age, i darent say anything.. i dont doubt that there are successful parents who brought up their children at very young age but i bet they suffer more from those that are more stable in their lives... mum always says, those who are having 'good lives' are those who are already a mother..but i always defer her statement by saying that those are ppl who are 'suffering' ... i dont know whether i say the right thing, maybe i am wrong all the way but that's just my opinion.. i NEVER think of this kind of life at this age.. like i said before... maybe 10 years or more from the present day... i made a promise and im gona make sure i fulfill it before i make any decision in life... its still a long way to go...

half a day at the hospital...urhh...

it wasnt a good day... i woke up from a nightmare it which someone was trying to shoot me and i was hiding myself until someone shouted my name..then, i woke up and realised it was already 10minutes past 8am.. i was supposed to be at the hospital by now...arh...i jumped up from my mattress, brushed my teeth. took a quick bath and rushed to the hospital..the traffice was horrid expecially those along green lane.. biasa ler.. everytime also like that once it's 8 sumthing in the morning... by the time i reached the parking lot, OMG.. the number of cars is like so walau eh.. i was lucky enough to turn at the last junction before the exit gate and parked at one of the last few spots... adui... had to walk a distance to the outpatient building...

since it was my first time there after i was 21 years old, i had to register as a new 'patient'..used to be under mum or dad, im not sure... when i received my number, i thought it would be pretty fast since there were only 6 numbers to go.. but i didnt know that some patient would actually take like 1hour..lau eh..waited till i was very frust dee.. i wasnt that sick in the beginning but after sitting like an idiot for nearly one hour, it started to get on my nerves dee... when it was FINALLY my turn, after about 1 1/2 hours waiting, it took less than 5 minutes for the doc to ACTUALLY said its normal to have difficulty in breathing and for fingers to turn cyanosis...WALAU EH...if i had know this is the result i will get, thank you..i wouldnt wana see any dr... no comments..really...even those of us in medic school also know that once ur fingers turn cyanosis, there's something wrong especially the heart ... i was wondering how will i be in the next 5 years...that's only if i could survive NORMAL condition...

then, went over to the pharmacy to get my medication...nearly fainted when i saw the number...there were 100 more people to go...okies...i was nearly fainting dee... for the next 45 minutes or so, i couldnt do anything much..so i listened to my MP3(thank GOD i brought along) and observed the people around me.. most are REALLY elderly patients who are pretty weak and i really pity them for coming all by themselves... some of them have hearing problems till their wives had to shout at them to convery any msgs.. some are pretty weak to walk on their own... i couldnt say im a filial daughter but i certainly hope that i could accompany my parents nex time they are to come for further check ups... my heart goes all out to those i saw suffering... i cant really do much but to offer help to those that i can afford like helping a lady to get up from the chair and calling someone's family member using my hp and refusing the lady's payment... all this might meant so much to them as they are thanking me abundantly... what mum said was kinda true... i cant ..i really cant stand seeing all those suffering in front of me without doing anything... i wish i could to something more...

urm...

i forgot what i wana type... its sumthing that came into my mind when i was about to sleep in the evening... aiyah.. i guess my brain is starting to rot dee..better start opening (not memorising) my ana and physio book...or else will waste my whole lot of energy bringing those 2 books back.,..mum has been saying why do i have to bring anything back when i wont even touch it....oopsie... better change her perception..dad has been constantly asking me to clear my 'unwanted' things but i just dont know where to start..hehe..

hmm..mum says that im worse than a pig... im sleeping like anything..everyday wake up around 11/12...then, by 4/5pm i start to yawn and i just cant resist my 'chaochao' and the mattress.. hehe... paying back for all those sleepless nites i had in UMS... anyway, the other day i felt sharp pain around my heart... i just wonder how my organs look like... will be going for the check up tomolo... praying that everything goes on well.. i dont want mum to follow..coz, urm.. there are certain things i didnt tell parents... i dont want them to worry so much... i hope i can remember all those pains i felt in my body tomolo.. i dont want to miss anything... GOD, please guide me through...

mum boiled the american ginseng (poi sum) soup for me..hehe..my immune system memang weak mer..eat all 'sampah' in sabah...come back home must build up the nutrients level.. hehe... okies..happy birthday to my 'kek sei yang' fren. ng kah wai...and happy teachers day to all teachers including my daddy... hehe..

happy mummy's day...

13 May 2006...really tamparan hebat for me... no thanx to my dad who asked me to redeem the mother's day gift at the counter... imagine my horror when the lady, who is about 30 plus asked me, " Are u a mother?"...lau eh... Luckily my mother is just beside me... GOODNESS..this people really dont know how to differentiate is it??? i know ler i dee warga tua in class but not at home mer... sia sui... really feel like putting my face inside the toilet... dont even have a bf before, not even married, how to be a mother ler??? aiyo... mum was giggling all the way... cruel... i will not forget that line... wana ask me that question, waitlah another 10 years or more... i still have a long way to go before i even wana think of getting married... arhhhhhhhhh.....

neway, went over to batu kawan to eat seafood with my parents, cousins, aunts and uncle for mother's day celebration...walau eh..so many people..as if its free like that...we ate crab (my fave..but somehow tak cukup puas ler..hehe..dad said will take me go eat crab again..haha)., prawns, fish head, satay, fried ew char koay and vege... the food is very reasonable...so, those coming over to pg, i can take u all there dee but urm, bill u guys settle yeah...muahahaha... i tengah broke dee... even my digi din top up yet... penang is really food heaven...i remember telling my parents im back in heaven when i took my first meal after arriving in penang on last thurs.... hehe..who dare deny that, can go long piak... so many things still not yet mummum...my fave loklok, dim sum, bah kut teh...arh..so much ler...hehe... hopefully my bbq steamboat with my 6melur buddies will work... im craving for that since long ago... those who wana join are welcome...haha..the more the merrier...looks like i have to plan after all..wait for that ah kuan, sure i balik sabah only eat bbq habuk...ish ish....

happy birthday to my dear long time din hear fren..mr.ooi chee eng...remember u owe me a treat... i dun care...blek..dun be super kiam siap yeah... muahahahahaha

wesak...

wesak day 2006... though it seemed that it would rain like cats and dogs the whole night, i guess Buddha wouldnt like His devotees to be soaked in the rain... it was only rizziling during the beginning of the procession..other then that, the

my fave float...hehe

weather was normal but it was damn hot... i was sweating like anything...

think got the team's name dee...lots of good looking guys too..ehehe
the floats for the procession are getting less and less as the years passed probably due to the high cost and stuff..

burmist temple...

but the number of people who are involved in the procession is increasing..that's good.. hehe... most probably its a 3-days holiday and there were so many people everywhere and the roads were jam packed.....

the team from PBA....kejar them like mad...

mahindrama temple eh...

managed to snap photos of some of the floats that i think are nice...

the team i followed...but mostly bebas ler...hehe

the karaoke team...respect eh..sang for more than 3 hours non stop...

hehe... anyway, didnt take those did my the MBA, which is the main float eh.. hehe..coz every year the decoration also almost the same... aiya..sorrylah to my not pg frens... met a number of people along the way including thong ching, ai lie, jean nie and her bf... haha..okies, my cousin also brought her bf back this time... guess..urm, okies i hate saying this..but im the only one who's single among the 3 cousins of the same age...sad sad sad... wat to do ler...???

neway, i didnt know why i became so depressed after msging with joyce the previous nite..somehow her words hit me right on the spot and i just cant describe the pain ler... yeah, i have my commitments not to anyone but for my future job...i do want to run away from it and have some excitement... but i cant seem to let go of 'him'... i know i told myself i would... im trying up to this day but it just couldnt work... i have tried by every means... plus, im fearful of so many things.. i've seen so many relationship destroy over small matters and i darent imagine the same thing happening to me... i know...people would be saying u never know if u dun try... i just fear so much... just pissed ler when my aunties keep asking each time they see me, "have bf dee arh? u sure u dun hav mer??" wah... really like a slap on the face..ishhh

another thing is... i know my health isnt good..i dont wana burden anyone... i prefer to suffer alone... i dont really wana tell anyone what really happened to me... will be going for my medical check up soon and the result will reveal... i could only prepare for the worse.....

to everyone, do appreciate things and people around u... dont take things for granted... dont regret it... peace...

luckily...

today mark the 1st week im back in pg..if i didnt change my ticket the second time, i would only be reaching pg tonite...i dont really know what to write at this moment...still kinda pissed when i think back how i was 'tricked' by LEQ... arhh.. feel like slapping him rite on the face... why does he have to make my life so miserable...?

neway, after reading through a few blogs and looking all those photos post by my frens, i guess i missed those SSS (super syonk sendiri) photos.. it has been a long time since i snap photos.. should start warming up my camera especially when Wesak Day is just tomorrow... im not gonna miss all those photos that i didnt take all these years... those going for the Wesak procession, please do let me know ler.. will be going with my cousins... i usually met and saw many people before, during and after the procession... hehe...

ooo...now i remember what i wana talk about... just now when fetchng dad from his tuition, i think i should be consider lucky and i truly thank GOD for that.. if i had accelerate a little bit, i guess i would be bang by the kelisa which was avoiding an oncoming car from the oppostion direction which came into our lanes... DAMN that crazy car who simply overtook when there were cars coming... i was shocked to see the 'swift' action by the driver of the kelisa who turned slighty into the lane in front of me and mum was so stuned and i knew she would be shouting... i dont blame the kelisa as its really an immediate reaction to avoid the oncoming car... that's what always happen in accidents...hence, i guess im lucky to avoid this..im glad i was going slow today... and was honked by those inconsiderate drivers from the first day i drove till today... i was wondering whether they are blind or dumb...how am i suppose to cut into lanes when cars are coming so fast...??? im not gonna risk my life... if u guys wana RIP earlier, dont harm others...they are innocent...

im stil down with my flu... attacked me since early of this week and the condition is slightly better than the one i had in UMS.. but my cough is slightly becoming worse dee... ooopsie...i havent check for any weird sounds in my lungs yet :)... okies..will be going to the doc if the condition doesnt get any better as i fear of pneumonia actually... i dun wana break my promise again... my sleeping sickness is coming back..or was it becoz of my dear 'chao chao'(smelly bolster) that i can sleep so well till so late in the morning or should i say till afternoon.??? mum is about to wack me dee if i continue to be a pig everyday..and worse was, i can still sleep for hours in the evening, something like so tak larat wana wake up at all.. hehe.. dad been bugging me to clear my room..its super messy with notes and books from AIMST..and urm, some right up to stpm thingy..its about time to buang everything dee... hahaha...mum wana renovate my room dee.. just waiting for me to clear my 'unwanted things'..she says she gonna donate my teddies to charity but i WARN her not to... they are my precious teddies... no one can do anything to them..... just hope that i can wake up earlier ler.. hahaha...

neway, HAPPY WESAK DAY TO EVERYONE WHO IS CELEBRATING... may everyone be bless abundantly...

each of us usually have a limit... so am i.. i was just so pissed off when people dun care about my feelings and do things that i hate so much... i hope that people will just be honest and tell me the truth when they see me... damn the whole evening...destroy my mood...

i agreed when EQ asked me to get sumthing (a mother's day gift) that his company was selling when he called me up on sunday....so, when he called me just now, i thought the product is ready and just to go down and get it as im trying to keep a distance in our frenship.. i didnt know he was lieing to me.. and drove me to mcd... i didnt inform my mum that i was going out and i didnt bring my wallet along..on the way, he was just so cool about it and even dare to say that its been a long time that he didnt ask me out..DAMN U... his real motive was to talk to me about his omegatrend business which i have no interest in.. i already told him since the beginning of the year that im not interested and dun EVER get me involve... DAMN DAMN DAMN... i felt so stupid and PISSED... never felt so 'cheated' like that... even last time, steven was true and honest enough to tell me about it before he intro me to his upline... i was so mad just now and kept my patience till i cant stand it anymore... arhhhhh... i wont change my mind when im really sure of what im doing... even if im interested in this line, i will be joining steven coz he asked me first...

LEE ENG QUIN... i will NEVER forget what u have done to me.. thank u for humiliating me in front of ur watever juniors.. i dun give a damn to whatever u are doing..just dun involve me and dont EVER call me again... I HATE U... I MEAN IT...and stop telling ppl im ur ex... i WAS NEVER ur ex.. and WILL NEVER BE.... GET OUT OF MY LIFE...

to those who are going to join this line or already in this line, DUN EVER mention or drag me in... im gona explode right in front of u.. this is a warning and i hope u guys are clear about it... arhhhhhh...

mummy...

poem for my dearest mum...happy early mother's day

MUM...

i dont know if i ever told u before

i know i seldom truly speak up until recent years...

i could still remember vividly when u stopped working

i was wondering why?

i was asking how come?

but as time passed by

and when i think back...

i realised all the hardwork

i realised all the pain

i realised all the sufferings u went thru silently

i realised all the struggle u endured

i realised the sacrifices u madefor us...

ur dearest babies...

MUM,

i remembered u asked me before

why didnt i ask for a younger sibling...

i didnt know how to answer at that time...

was it becoz i fear of being left alone?

was it becoz i fear of not being loved?

was it becoz i fear of not being cared?

was it becoz i am happy just to have bro?

or was it im just so stupid to think about it?

im sorry...i still dont know how to answer...

MUM,

throughout my schooling years

i hardly saw ui hardly talk to u

i hardly share anything with ui hardly spend time with u...

i went to school before u woke up...

when u came back, i was in tuition

when im free, u were too tired and went to bed

i didnt care much about it last time...

but when i think back...

i hate myself for not understanding

i hate myself for not caring

i hate myself for not concerning...

MUM,

i can still remember how tired u were

i can still remember how pressured u were

i can still remember how stressful u were

i can still remember how painful u went thru on certain days...

u might not know

but

i did see those tears in ur eyes...

i did feel the pain in ui did feel the suffering in u...

MUM,

u might think i was crazy to have this thought...

but i used to think i wasnt being loved...

i will NEVER forget how rebellious i was last time...

i can still remember how i hated brother

i asked why i was the one being scoldedi

asked why i was the one being 'blamed'?

how i wish he didnt have to be so smart

how i wish he didnt have to score straight As

and putting a hell lot of pressure on me in every exam...

i am truly sorry for my foolishness

i am truly sorry for my stupidity

coz i know, if not for him...

i wouldnt have challenged myself to the max

i wouldnt have pressured myself to the max

i wouldnt have worked hard

i wouldnt have made so many sacrifices

i wouldnt have learnt to fend for myself

i wouldnt have learnt how to be independent

i wouldnt have learnt how to stand by myself

i wouldnt even be here pursuing my dream...

MUM,

over these years

i was searching for true frens...

i told myself i wouldnt have a best fren

but i was wrong...

coz all these while, i do have a best fren..

who is always by my side

who NEVER leaves me alone

who NEVER fail to love me

who NEVER fail to care for me

who NEVER fail to support me

who NEVER fail to encourage me

who NEVER fail to mend my broken heart

who NEVER fail to share my pain

who NEVER fail to share my burden

who NEVER fail to share my joy

and im proud to say that its YOU...

MUM,

i can NEVER repay u for all the things u did for me...

i can NEVER thank u enough for every thing...

but i swear to u...

i will NEVER forget the promises i made

i will NEVER forget all the suffering u went thru for us

i will NEVER forget anything that u did for us...

coz i know...

u truly luv us

u truly care for us

u truly treasure us...

MUM,

if i were to be given a choice...

i swear to u...

i will NEVER trade anything for this family

i will NEVER want anyone else to be my mother except YOU

i will NEVER want anyone else to be my father except DAD

i will NEVER want anyone else to be my brother except KOKO...

i will NEVER disappoint u all anymore...l

ove u all from the bottom of my heart to the bottom of soul.....

life a year ago...

at times..
i dont know whether what im doing is right or wrong
i dont know how to convey my messages
i felt so lost and im fearful of hurting the people i love...

these few days,
i received many messages from people i left 1 year back
i didnt realise that they are people that will keep in touch with me
and im proud to say that they are those very few true frens i found in AIMST
i guess they did make a difference when i was there
just that i didnt realise it till i left that horrid place...
i still remember..
someone told me, she regretted for not knowing me better when i was in AIMST
now, im wondering whether do i feel the same for not knowing the rest...
sometimes, i do think back how life would be if i didnt get the offer in UMS
will i still be striving like mad...or just to aim for a passing mark?
i dont know and i dont really wana know either...
there's no turning back and i can only move forward..no matter what...
i NEVER regret my decision to grab the opportunity..
yeah, it had been my dream and i wouldnt let anything hinder my path
and i will NEVER disappoint those who are supporting me all the way..
to my dearest frens in AIMST...
no matter where i will be..or how far we are drifted apart...
i will NEVER forget those 8 months when i was in AIMST...
i will foreva treasure those messages u ppl sent to me...
i will always remember that u ppl are supporting me all the way...
im glad to have found u ppl there...
may GOD bless u all always...

its just so nice to be back... i reached on thursday nite... its kinda scary when the plane passed the clouds... the journey back from KK was kinda irritated with one child 'crying' for almost the whole journey..it reminded me of my irritating cousin whom im trying my very best to avoid... the plane to penang was slightly delayed... but the excitement of reaching home just couldnt be control anymore..i was smiling all the way..trying to catch some sleep but just couldnt... so, just stare blankly outside the window for the whole journey..hehe..i reached penang international airport around 8.30pm... by the time i took my luggage and met my parents, it was almost 9.00pm...the funny thing was i couldnt recognize my luggage and ran after it when i realized it was mine... muahahaha

then, my tummy was shouting to be fed..so damn hungry...dad took me to a new place to have dinner cum supper... ate ikan and sotong panggang, belacan tauhu (something new) and noodles... YUMMY..when i reached home i was eating watever choc bar i saw in the fridge... i really gona gain so much weight.. haha.. didnt really go anywhere on fri. my whole body was aching after having to carry my luggages, laptop and backpack.. i brought my stetescope back, so gonna find my 'victims'. hehe...

saturday,...that was last nite, was in a dilemma whether to go for a wedding dinner... but THANK GOD, joyce's sms saved me.. she came over to penang to find me...hahaha... so i escaped all those aunties questions... we went to eat lok lok in pulau tikus, then moved over to kayu to eat roti tisu and cheeze nan.. we talked and talked till my dad called... but i think still got so much to talk about...im planning to go over to SP to find the rest in AIMST... and wana kek si yih yang.. mengumpat so many people last nite.. to update the news in AIMST... haha.. still so damn kaypo o... kuakua...

went to dinner just now... haha.. really sesat ler.. i dont know most of the people there... just go and eat... today also i reeceived a call from EQ...im still wondering about his words... nvm... dun wana think so much... aint gona turn back... gona enjoy my break to the max...urm, my books..still in the luggage... duno when only will touch...maybe not.. maybe yes coz most of my frens are in their industrial training or practicals... see how things go then... chao.. those free to go yamcha, just sms me ler...

just crappings

ROOMIES

before i came to sabah, i was so worried when it came to the issue of getting new roommates. i had bad experiences back in AIMST and i certainly didnt wan history and nigthmares to repeat...i could still remember praying to GOD to bless me with good roommates whom i could get along with. i guess my prayers were answered and im glad to have 3 roommates who i will NEVER forget... atiyyah from kelantan, nijjah from sabah and siow hui from johor. each of us have different and weird characters...but it was fortunate that we get along well with each other... :))i being the eldest in the room was like a mother... hahaha... tapao for them if i were to go down to the cafe or went out with my group members till people who saw me asked whether do i have to eat so much..kakaka...i am usually the one who slept the latest...kinda get used to it dee ler...and of course, the latest to wake up also ler...then, nijjah would the earliest to sleep most of the time... both she and siow hui luv to sing while they are studying...memang layak to masuk any singing competition dee... hehe... atiyyah, will the the one whose alarm clock will wake all of us but not her... hahaha... kinda surprising too...coz i will be the one waking up not her when her alarm sounded for a few rounds...i will NEVER forget the coffee smell in our room as me and siow hui need our 'energy booster' to keep us awake... atiyyah and nijjah rarely drink coffee unless they are too sleepy... then, hehe... our gossip time when we are too bored or we managed to get some juicy info... hehehe... at that time, we were thankful for having each other as roommates as we are not choosy or fussy... more like 'give and take'... during the last week of exam, we were more like movie and drama marathon rather than studying... hehehe... siow hui was on her novel marathon even before the exam starts. but as the semester came to the end, the fear of having to change roommates really haunt us... we are trying our best to stay together... just hope that some miracles will happen somehow...no matter what, i will NEVER forget the times we spent together and it will remain sweet in my memory... im really glad to have them as my roommates... we do share some of our problems together... and yeah, each time before any of us were to present in the seminar, we will give our moral support... that's the spirit... take care my dear roomies... bubye room 1.02, blok B, kampung C...

MY DEAREST FREN..JT
at last i did manage to complete my first year...
waiting for the result was so horridit was so suffering
but thank GOD..
i managed to pull through so many obstacles to complete...
like what the lecturers like to mention...
u're now 1/5 of a doctor.....
i dont really know how bad my grades are
i dont really care at this moment
i just wana go back to be with my family and my dearest frens...
i dont know how to mention the feelings...
but i wasnt feeling alright after i saw the msg
my heart was screaming in pain...
why?why is it happening?
how could this be happening?
how could life be so painful to certain ppl???
how could life be so cruel to certain ppl???
someone once asked...
how could GOD be so unfair to certain ppl?
i dont know the answer...
i will NEVER know...
why certain ppl have to suffer all the time?
why certain ppl have to endure pain all the time?
why certain ppl have to undergo the harsh way?
but...why others arent contented with what they have?
why others dont appreciate with what they have?
i remember i started saying...
NOTHING is fair in this world...
and i will keep that in mind always...
my dearest fren...
i wish i could just fly back and be with u after i read ur msg...
why didnt u inform me earlier?
why didnt u share with me ur probs?
why didnt u open up?
why do u have to be so selfish?
why do u have to do this to me?
why didnt u keep ur words?
have u forgetten our promise to be with each other?
every time...
im the one who open up...
im the one who msg u whenever im down
im the one who msg u wheneverim sick
im the one who msg u whenever im suffering
im the one who msg u whenever im happy
im the one who msg u whenever i need advices
im the one who msg u whenever i need opinions
im the one who msg u whenever i need comfort...and...
im glad when u called or replied my msgs
u made me felt that im not alone...
u made me felt that im being cared...
u made me felt that im being loved...
but...i cant understand...
why?
why didnt u do the same when u're down?
why didnt u do the same when u do need some comfort?
u know very well i care about u more than myself
u reminded me of that when i was sick...
u made me feel so bad and guilty i can hardly close my eyes and sleep..
im thinking what i should do when im back
im thinking what i should talk to u when im back
should i pretend everything is ok?
should i pretend u NEVER told me that?
should i just be silent and let u speak?
should i just lend u my shoulders?
should i just give u a hug to comfort u?
i wish i know what else to do
besides praying to GOD to guide u through...
im so helpless...pls teach me

KY...
if loving someone is so suffering...
why do we have to love???
i thought i am strong enough to pull through
i thought i am determine enough to let go
i thought i am strong enough to erase the memory
i thought i am determine enough to move ahead...
but how much have i succeeded?
why?why my heart aches each time im alone?
why my heart scream in pain each time memories of u flow back?
why do tears just roll down when i saw ur photo?
why do tears just roll down when i remembered ur comfort voice?
was it a mistake that cant be forgiven?
was it a mistake that changed our lives?
was it a mistake that jeopardized our frenship?
u know very well i fear to be alone
u know very well i fear of losing a fren
i fear of going for the check up..
but
im keeping my promise
a promise to my parents and frens who truly care for me
im struggling silently
im pulling through silentlyi know its gonna be a severe condition
i fear...i really do...
i do wish u would accompany me...
but i know it will NEVER happen...
i will NEVER tell u ...
coz i know im long forgetten...
i know i dont have a place anymore in ur heart...
u no longer care
u no longer understand
u no longer know me...
u were NEVER there for me
and u will NEVER be there for me...