sob sob sob

" To left true love be unspoKen.. its da quickest rot 2 da heart..!!!"

something familiar..yet i know its something not easy... to be able to let the other person know ur true feelings, it needs courage and strength... i could still remember those forwarded mails sent by my frens... "please share ur love with those that means a lot to u before its too late..." sigh... things are always easier said that done... why should truth be revealed when we know it will only cause more heartaches, pain and even to the stage of losing a good fren... no, i cant take the risk coz i cant take the pain anymore... only the person responsible can dig the secret out from me...

okay...counting hours... less than 35 hours, and i will bid farewell to things that i have already start missing... i wish i could take my pillow and chao chao there as i really couldnt sleep thruout those times im in my hostel... or maybe i should plan more trips to kudat.. sleeping in my foster family's house is way better as i have my own room there... hehe..with my adik angkat's teddies...make me feel so at home mer... sigh... when mum hugged me just now and said she already start missing me, i know it would be some really hard feelings me on mon... dad is showing signs of 'sadness' and kinda reluctant... sigh.. i could feel their tears, im trying to control my emotions very hard... i cant let them see me cry...

i havent start packing my things, thou i've been reminded so many times... sigh.. everything is on my table and rack..just waiting for the moment to be dumped into my luggage... im taking back at least 4 pairs of shoes...i know its crazy.. bought most of the things i wana buy dee except the food part... sigh..i really dont wana think about this anymore... sick so sick... praying hard that it wouldnt rain on mon..i dont wana freeze and turn white in the aeroplane again... SIENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN... DUN WANA GO BACK TO SABAH... SOB SOB...

sigh...2 more days..its so miserable...

There was some hope...then, it was dashed just like that...it was as if being thrown down from a high rise building,struggling to be saved...with darkness everywhere...with tears streaming like heavy rain drops...with no one hearing ur scream...with no one hearing ur pain...then the head smashed to a zillion pieces, with all parts of the brain being thrown everywhere...the truth of all things doesnt matter anymore...hence it will remain deep inside till ... who knows...

it wasnt sumthing i've expected 2 months back...that's before i came back for the longest break i would ever have...i just wish i could lay there doing nothing...i just wish i could really fulfill things i need to do...i just wish i could meet those i REALLY need to meet...no.. it just doesnt turn out that well...it will be another of those tormenting periods i will go thru..it will be another series of repeated nightmares...till only GOD knows when...i am gonna build up my strength..i am gonna stand up again after falling so many times...
it doesnt matter when im coming back...the coming trips i promise they will be silent ones...those who 'spotted' me will be the very lucky ones...those who dont, its okay...

farewell is only what i wana say...

a new hope...

a mysteriuos number on my hp this morning... some ppl from China.. i wonder who and why..??? most probably its a mistake ler... too bad or is it lucky that my hp really went nuts... no tone came out from it till around afternoon today... it there's a tone, i would have received that call, but then i would be charged as well... hehe... so, who ever it is, i also dun care ler since that fella doesnt reply to the msg i sent...

fINALLY went for a hair cut..okies, it doesnt turn out well, thanx to my natural, curly frizzy hair...no, aint gonna do rebonding thou thats the only thing i could do as my hair is like..sigh.. damn tak boleh repair... if i were to curl, haha.. i will have those super extra bomb eh hair... i cant imagine that..... mum says my hair is okay, but im like trying to mess it up... ish ish ish... sure one of my group member will ask...'y on earth u go cut ur hair??'... will have my cap to the rescue again ler... kaka... mum likes her hair as she says its been years she yearns for that style... good for ya mum...

hmm... i darent tell dad my intention of getting a new hp, its mum who came to the rescue... thanx mummy...hugs and muax... and as expected, dad says, buy something like his can dee... okies ler... stop day dreaming of flip hps, camera hps, etc etc and look at those SIMPLE BASIC hp will do... okies... at least better than nothing... considering there are thousands need to be spent on my fees, books and stuff for 2nd year... i cant be such an ass to demand for more... dad has given me so much.... thanx dad ....

okies... 4 more days.. sux to the max counting days..maybe i should start counting hours... wasnt feeling well today, till mum asked me what's wrong with me?? my face looks like shit... and i lost my appetite...everything taste blunt... sigh sigh...

desperate...5 more days...

my hp really unconscious and coma dee..dont think it will ever be conscious again..today, there's no more noise coming out from it...sigh sigh sigh... just hope i can get a new one before i balik meranaing... 5 more days...and that's it...

the omen wasnt as scary as i've expected but its enough to make my hair stood throughout the movie, no thanx to the freaking air cond... thanx to my dearest fren who accompany me though she would very much go for other movie..hehe... (cannot reveal her identity..just in case other ppl knew about it and force her to watch horror movie again) ..hehe... lunch at manila's place was great... first time there and it was good... hehe... nex time will bring my parents there...

okies... better get things done on my list.. still havent cut my hair..hampir botak also ler, hair been dropping like mad... and yeah,,, new hp... MONEY PLEASE DROP FROM HEAVEN.....

6 more days

6 more days
and u will hear no more
i will let u go as u wish
i will be invisible to u as long as u like
i will be long gone before u ever realise...

i aint gonna turn back
i aint gonna look back
i aint gonna rewind what i did
i aint gonna take back what i said
u are who u are
i am who i am...

as long as u like to have this 'cold war'
its up to u.. i aint gona interfere
my strength is just too weak
my shine is fading
my colour is disappearing...

I loved you once you loved me not.
I loved you twice but I forgot you never loved me.
You never will but even so I love u still.

It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone;
an hour to like someone; a day to love someone;
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone

One day you'll ask me: "what’s more important to you? Me or your life?" I’ll say "my life" and you'll go and leave without even knowing that you are my life.

If love’s a disease then I’m very ill.
But I don’t want medicine, I won’t take no pill.
I will suffer this illness ‘cause it makes me see exactly how much you mean to me!

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newlyDivorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realizeT
he value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a personWho has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a personWho has survived an accident...

To realizeT
he value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

going back merana syndrome...sob sob

one more monday, one more tuesday, one more wednesday, one more thursday, one more friday, one more saturday, one more sunday...and then...bubye BIGGY POOH, Bubye PIGGY, bubye all my teddies, bubye my dearest chaochao again, bubye all my teddies, bubye my radio, bubye our most wanted 'TV', bubye my PC, bubye everything at home, bubye penang...and the toughest bubye would be bubye to my dear parents...sigh... the 'going back merana' syndrome is killing me dee... day by day, hours by hours, minute by minute and second by second. it doesnt help when there are still so many things i havent do...

1. meet my teachers

2. meet certain frens i havent meet for year...

3. print my group's name tag

4. print my reports

5. type letters to certain individuals

6. get ready articles and posters for my health promo

7. shop for a new watch, a new hp ( STILL IN MY DREAMS.. but my hp really coma till i duno how to say dee..those can get cheap prices for hp, please let me know.. DESPERATE DEE)..

8. shop and tapao as much FOOD as i can...shud finish before i start 2nd year

9. get ready to pack my stuff..just hope i can manage to talk to the officer-in-charge not to charge me so much for my over weight bags...

10..and keeping my book nice nice where it should be... cant seem to be able to concentrate ler....

sigh... I DUN WANA GO BACK TO SABAH... sob sob..

mixed feelings

today is another day when i have mixed feelings..some good happenings and some sad results.... sigh... well, early morning, went shopping with mum...manage to buy a pair of shoes, tshirt and some facial stuff.. kinda on the shopping spree to buy those list of 'things i need to bring back to sabah'...kinda to the extend of buying a new biggy luggage too, the one i first took over to sabah.. hehe... so, it was happy mood in the morning.....

then, when i reached home, came a msg from the person whom i've been 'arguing' for weeks... the good thing is the person DID msg me after i hantam kaokao about things i wana say after so long... the sad thing is the news that our most hopeful sponsor for the health promotion turned down our appeal for sponsors without any apparent reason which mean, we aint gonna get any sponsors... darn... kinda expected ler... just no luck ler... sigh... another news i received was our two superb lecturers will be gone by the time we start our new semester.. sigh.. why cant my uni/sch just extend and plead for them to stay...??? they are the real professors that will guide us thru... sigh.. wat ass luck again... so sad that they wouldnt even teach us in 2nd year for a tiny bit...

okies..then...at nite... another mix feelings again... called up a fren whom i didnt talk to since meeting him in dec to ask some questions.... the first thing he asked and said was, 'so how are u arh??? i was so scared to call u after the msgs u sent to me, but i know sure one day u will call me...and u know..i've been keeping the msg u sent to me for almost one year dee...?"..shock as i would be when he read out the content of the msg as if i just sent a minute ago...so sorry that it affected him till this day... of coz it would have affected me the same way just like those sent by a few others to me..thou i didnt save the msg like he did, its always in my mind ler... im not sure why he said 'he gona delete me from his list due to some reasons i couldnt hear'...i told him, its his wish as its his choice..im not him and i cant do anything to stop him too... when i sounded serious like that, it scares him...but i know he wont delete me..coz he once said 'those who dont msg me will regret for life'...and he knew that very well last year..but nah, its not me to say anything... i just wana treasure those frens that means a lot to me all these while before its too late... anyway, the last few lines were a bit too formal for me.. "thanx for calling...and i know u remember me always..." of coz i will always remember those that i care and love... and u were NEVER once useless to me, my dear fren... only wish u understand all those msgs i sent... life is just a journey that we are taking one step at a time.. last time, i had always wish that we would be in the same uni, but nah, its fated that we are to be separated... u are in UM and im in UM+S.. hehe...u have ur life, i have mine... u are enjoying things in uni, with someone by urside who is able to share ur ups and downs and vice versa.. yeah, no doubt u are always in my prayers... its just a matter of how our frenship are bonded... we might not be that close anymore, but i guess its not the end... u know it too...

anyway, going over to bm tmr...going to st.anne's church, didnt go for quite some time dee... and then, shopping again ler...still so many things not yet buy and i think my supp credit card sure burst dee... hehe..luckily my dada is going... hehe...okies... 8 more days before i say bubye to pg...not sure when coming back...end of this year...or nex year???

happy father's day

dad,
i dont know how should i start this
but i guess u wouldnt be reading this
unless i print out a copy for u.....

dad,
even thou most ppl think that mums are the best,
for me, you're not any lesser than them...t
hou u were hesitant to carry me when
i was a few days or weeks old due to my small tiny bones and fragile neck,
but now, i'm ur overgrown baby
who u NEVER fail to hug each time im back
or each time i bid farewell...

dad,
over the years...u sacrificed so much for us,
or more particularly for me...
when i was in secondary 1 and 2,
u asked to teach in the afternoon just because of me...
bro also had to sacrifice, having to walk home for 2 years...

dad,
u used to cane us with ur magical cane..
.thick or thin, u name it...
i dont remember how many times,
the cane landed on my palm or legs,
some due to my stupidness,
some due to my foolishness,
some due to my stubbornness,
and yeah..some due to my rebellious attitude...

dad,
thinking about it could only make me smile..
if not for the cane,
i guess i will score a biggy egg in my Maths..
but no, i did well in Maths year by year...
my 'Alam Dan Manusia' sux to the fullest...
but the magic cane manage to activate my memory cells
i wouldnt even change to a better person
,if not for the marks that left me in deep pain...

dad,
the painful 'incident' that happened to me in 2004,
was the year i learnt that only you would sacrifice anything for me...
the tears u shed in front of me...
was light a knife stuck in me,
u wiped my tears and asked me not to cry
u gave me the warmest hug ever...
u supported me financially and mentally...
u didnt mind forking out thousands for me..
thou the money was ur hard earn savings with mum...t
he worst ever pain for me to bear..
was to see and hear u..
crying and begging for me to be given a place...
its too much, dad... i know its too much for u to do this for me...
coz i remembered vividly how the snobbish lady treated us like 'rubbish'
but u assured me its ok and u appeal for me...
just to let me study something i like...
no dad..u have done too much for me...
hence i made a vow, NEVER to let u down as long as i live..

dad,
i know the sacrifices u made for us..
u hardly have time to rest..
u hardly have time to relax..
when u say how tired u were...
i wish i could just stop everything and help u out..
coz the guilt in me was way to much...
but i know u wouldnt let me do it..
coz u wan the best for me and bro...

dad,
i realize all ur hard work and pain all these while,
couldnt be replaced no matter what i do or say...
i just wana say a sincere apology for all the pain i've caused...
u arent just any dad...but a SUPER HERO to me...
i promise u that i will strive hard to achieve my dream,
i promise u that i will NEVER give up no matter how hard life is,
coz... no matter how hard it is,
it wouldnt even match the pain u have gone thru for us...
i love u dad...

dad, you are my Fabulous, Amiable, Thoughtful, Honourable, Excellent and Reliable father that noone could ever replace...

thats why u go away...

for the past few days, i've been thinking of things that happened, the words or sentences that left me in a deep melancholy till i dont really pay much attention to anything that i do... another burn mark on my finger...i still dont understand...and i dont think i will possibly will...

we used to be so close that i felt so comfy sharing my joys and pain with u as u're one of the very few people i trust... i still remember all the times we shared talking, smsing and chatting online... but now, its just silence that haunts me... i could even hear when the lizard moved across my room... or maybe my ears are too sensitive... each time when i hear the beep of any msgs, i wish that it is u..but no, it wasnt u but some annoying ppl that dares to threaten me and pissed me off so badly...

anyway, the silence ended for a few hours last nite, when u called out of nowhere and caught me off guard... u were silent most of the time, i dont know why... i darent open up much, as i fear i will break down... i dont want that to happen... but the last few lines u left behind, AGAIN, left a deeper and even worse mark in me... i guess i made a terrible mistake by telling u that i would be leaving, as i dont intend to tell u till i reach sabah... coz i cant bear the pain anymore... have u ever feel ur heart screaming or a knife stuck in it?? though i would prefer that u accompany me to the dr, but when u said u would scream and scold the dr if he/she gonna claim that everything is NORMAL again, i think its better i go alone... my dear fren, there are certain things that u cant diagnose till the very last part..this i hope that everyone will know.. many times, docs are being blamed for failing to do their duties, but there are but very few cases that it is really very hard to diagnose till the end stages... and its just luck if its wat im facing... for one year, i've been attacked by the 'breathlessness syndrome' but all the docs that i went said NOTHING...just said that im stressed or pressured...

hmm... the main point i wana know is... why? why cant u let me go just like that? why are u stressing me with the 'FINAL CHANCE' again? why cant u accept me as who i am? i NEVER complain about u, but why are u 'attacking' me with my stubbornness??? why did u despise me like that when i just said 'no' to a visit to a dr? do u think its fair for me to suffer like that??? how could u treat me like i committed a crime??? why cant u feel the difficulty each time i try to tell u something? u never give me a chance to explain... u just leave me alone to cry with my own shadow every nite...

my only wish was to meet up with u before i fly back... to spend some time with u, a movie, dinner or maybe even teh tarik will do..but i guess its only a wish as i know nothing matters to u until i go find a dr and the report must have something... so, nvm then as u dont trust me... let me swallow the guilt as long as i live, just a remembrance of the good memories we once had, as i know, u wouldnt wana know ANYTHING anymore... "i dont care!!!" thats the last sentence in ur msg that will always be in my memory... i know u wouldnt change ur mind, so..i could only wish u all da best... and like i said previously, someday, u will forget about me, my name, my voice..who??? maybe its a better thing for u too, so u wouldnt have any heartaches or heart attacks due to me... i wont tell u even if the pain is killing and a big thank you for everything u have done for me... i wont forget it...

loneliness..

Loneliness

It arrives unannounced

the old familiar feeling

an unwelcome companion.

Emptiness.

Loneliness.

Tired of the oneness

of being half,

not whole.

Yearning for completion

to find the missing piece

Always alone.

Why try?

Why endure?

It is a daily struggle to continue,

to remember to wake to breathe to exist.

The emptiness consumes me.

Isolated

Barren

Waiting

Wanting more.

This is all.

There is no more.

an intersting photo...

a broken mirror..

he NEVER read my blog until recently and the comments he post up left a deep mark in me... the reason he does that only he knows... he knew very well the meaning the things i've posted but i guess its only him to do that... the words he left indeed was a torture to me... i knew i did a HUGE mistake for hurting him, but i dee apologized... i know sorries just wouldnt do anything or meant anything, especially after u hurt someone so precious to u but what else does he want me to do??? he didnt reply the long msgs i sent... i wanted to call, but i know tears will just roll down when i hear his voice...or maybe he wouldnt pick up his hp too...

"how do u mend a broken mirror back 2 normal n without even a scratch..? "

thats a question he left behind... its impossible to mend a broken mirror... once its broken, its broken... i guess the meaning he wanted to tell me was, no matter what i did, it will NEVER mend his broken heart... yeah, i know that... i guess i should just leave him alone and face the fact that i lose a dear fren due to my own foolishness... there's no point for me to send msgs to him since it will just be a one way flow...i will swallow the guilt the rest of my life and i know i could not turn back the time to withdraw what i've said... so... farewell my dear fren... i know what i should do now... someday, u will forget about me, my name, my voice..who???

YOU’VE CHANGED MY WORLD

At times the days seemed so long, I thought I'd never make it through,

Then suddenly, out of a dream, I have met someone like you.

I had locked up all my feelings and I'd thrown away the key,

Until your heart spoke a thousand words I knew were meant to be.

When times turned rough and lonely, and despair fell upon my face,

You comforted me and kept me safe in that loving special place.
You don't realize what you have and what you've done for me,

But the way you managed to steal my heart is what has set me free.

You've given me a feeling that no one else could ever change,

Your love has touched a place in me that I always found so strange.

It's as if you were cut right out of a spell cast upon my heart,

Because the crazy thing about it is, I've loved you from the start.
No one in this wide world could touch the feelings we share;

To the seconds I spend with you, nothing can compare.

You've opened my eyes and heart just enough and let me live,

You've changed my world with magic and the kindness that you give.

My heart was broken, and I thought love was so far away,

But you came into my life and showed me a better day.
Like crystal clear blue waters or a magical sunset,

That moment speaks a thousand words to which no price can be met.

I wish I could just stop time and spend the whole night in your eyes,

For when I'm with you there's a feeling even I cannot describe.

Although my heart holds painful memories that will never be erased,

You touch me with a love so strong it hides that lonely place.
Heartbreak, loss and misery were all I ever knew,

Until someone showed me happiness and that someone was you.

Your gentle words and loving arms lift me up when I am down,

And, baby, with all you've done for me you've turned my world around.

Your love is so consistent, like the waves that break on shore,

And with every day my love for you still grows, just more and more.
When broken dreams still fill my days and nothings going right,

You reassure me with your smile and give me back my sight.

You sweep a spell across my heart, like a breeze across the sea,

And you fill my world with beautiful dreams & feelings meant to be.

The way you live, the way you love and even so much more,

With every smile that you give, you're all I could ask for.
You are in every breath I take and in every tear I cry,

You're in every star I wish upon up in the lonely sky.

Every day with you is heaven, like an angel from above,

A million magic moments sent- to give you all my love.

You are living proof that prayers and dreams really do come true,

And I thank God for that special day he blessed my heart with you.
I could speak of a thousand promises or even bet my very soul,the rest of my life,

I'll be touched with a feeling no one can control.

Fate, destiny or magic may be the reason that we met,

But all I know is the days with you I never will forget

.Until the day I found you I never knew a love so true,

But from today until eternity I swear I'll be loving you!

suakuness

Tired and sleepy are what i have to say about the weekend... it was indeed a good time to spend the weekend with my family coz i know it will be hard for us to get together that often anymore... neway, reaching genting around 4am wasnt a nice thing when i think back.. we started journey at around 10.15pm, stopped by at Tg Malim first before heading to Taiping to pick up the remaining passengers. Talking about Tg Malim, the place hasnt change from the last time since i was in primary school till now except that u have to pay 20cents to go into the toilet and the things are more expensive...Pathetic man... the toilet is still those DIY kinda thingy (kinda degrading when we are moving towards a modernized country)..nvm... the whole journey, the aircond was damn cold and im partly freezing dee and when we reached genting, people were rushing down but i was one of the last.. hehe...

since the counter to take the number for the rooms will only open at 5am, we left our bag at those portal counter and head to the casino de genting... it was quite far from our first world hotel . okies..the first time stepping inside the casino..the alarm beeped...of course i was embarassed ler, tot i did something wrong. i was hesitant to walk inside dee but the policeman could even joked...lau eh.. he said 'You ada pistol kah? tak ada kan? masuk saja ler..!!!"..ishhh.. suakuness really hit right on the spot... okies, after looking around to see wat a casino is all about, me and mum headed back to the hotel to get the number but OMG, the queue was damn long, thanx to a few more buses loaded with passengers that arrived.. damn.. due to that, i could only checked-in after 9am.. sigh...so, me and mum went over to the new casino which is first world's casino, which have lesser people, which means lesser people who smoke..instead of betting, we enjoyed breakfast there with free flow of coffee, milo, teh tarik and mango juice,,, haha...we sat for nearly 2 hours before adjourning to the hotel lobby... after we received our rooms' keys, we headed up to our room but alas, the housekeeping havent cleared the place as they only checked-in for their duties..sigh, so me and mum lepak outside the room and people who walked pass us must have felt the stupidness in us but what to do, the lobby is full with people dee...and we were getting dizzy to see the amount of people everywhere.. FINALLY, after the guy who cleared our rooms, me and mum went into the room and wanted to sleep like a pig dee.. then, dad came up to the room after hours in the casino and bro and ai phing arrived from kl... so, time to makan ler...hungry dee..

hence, we went over to highland hotel which offered the chinese cuisine type of buffet lunch.. and the restaurant is in the Hollywood casino... haha.. the 'policemen' stopped both me and ai phing to check our ICs..aiyo... and the guy who checked me said..oo..sudah 22...haha... maybe he saw my sampatness face kua... anyway, we had a great lunch, really typical chinese food...ate till wana burst.. haha... so, my outdoor theme park plan also cancelled ler. lucky thing i didnt buy the ticket as it was misty in the morning and raining heavily later in the afternoon... in-door theme park pulak full with kiddos...can pengsan...so, bro, ai phing, mum and me went over to the snow house after spending sum time in the casino..after grabbing our winter jackets, gloves and keeping our stuff in the locker, its time to play with ice... haha.. bro attacked me cukup-cukup, but he didnt know that i also had my evil plans dee... neway, the sia sui part was i fell and hit my butt when i slipped in order to avoid his attack... the guy who saw was laughing at me..ish..malu... the coolest part was eating ice cream in the snow house... mum was already freezing and she said her lip was numb... the last 5 minutes in the snow house was really attack time for me and bro..when he wanted to put ice inside my jacket, i was ready with my handful of ice too...i managed to splashed the ice into his body and he screamed ler... muahahahaha... but the second time, i wasnt lucky as he managed to revenge and it was my time who started to scream..(if u guys dont know how it felt, nex time, grab sum ice and put inside ur body..and see how cold it is..) when the man whistle to indicate that its time, i made the mistake to throw ice at bro first as he had more time to put ice inside my jacket again, and my ear also became a victim and turned so red... and my hair also full of ice... ishhh... after that, we went to the hotel room and slept like piggies.... till dad knocked on the door... hehe

dinner time...we ate bah kut teh as dad wants to eat something hot... it was ok, more worth it than those noodles that cost RM10++ per bowl...after dinner, football time..it was a miracle that i would spend my time watching football in Genting... i ordered some funny cocktail...was it hino kukulu or mino kolulu? i forgot but it was nice... a mixture of peach, lychee, pinapple and grape juice which cost nearly RM20 per glass... hehe.. bro's treat mer.. at least the cocktail and some peanuts kept me awake till full time..i was a bit blur blur dee after the match but we went over to the casino to try our luck again..hehe.. a bit happy ler, strike the mini jackpot of RM30... after that, tidur de ler...but cant really sleep... sigh

mum woke us up around 8am...its late dee.. supposed wana play the space shuttle 'superman' kinda thingy but i was a bit dizzy dee.. dun play play, later i black out like that day... so went to eat buffet breakfast pulak...yum yum... all of us were hungry, dont know why...so, eat until the people said they are closing at 10am..haiya..we just arrived around 9am mer...nvm ler..,so, after eating, went to casino again ler... play for another hour, mum managed to win RM60.. hehe... dad, duno with him ler.. he won on saturday, but sunday not so sure....
so, its time to balik kampung dee... bro and ai phing went back first after he bought new tickets on the spot... lucky thing for him also ler, dont have to wait so long... me, mum and dad reached pg around 8pm..after eating dinner at the coffee shop, went home, wash up..and slowly my eyes also closed dee ler...so, slept like a log till just now..thanx to my gp member who called me and can even asked.."har, u sleep till 10sumthing arh??" hello, i dont wake up that early... nvm... time to open my books dee.... two more weeks before i merana again..sob sob

im sorry..

to hurt someone that means a lot to me is like tearing my own heart apart.. i know it was my fault, but i really dont mean to hurt him... i know he wont forgive me no matter how many sorries i said... i know he doesnt want to see me suffer... i know he cares about me... i know he tries to ease my burden.. i know he's trying to do everything just to ease my pain.. but i really dont wan to burden him.. i dont want to see him suffer coz my heart suffers with him too. anyway, last nite was the first time he was so pissed with me... it was the first time he said ' for the last time, are u going to the dr or not... im giving u the last chance before i go mad and pissed off...' and when i insist of saying no.. he TOTALLY ignore me... sigh... i know i should have said 'yes' but i dont wan to lie to him... it was my fault to tell him what happened yesterday...im just so stupid... i darent talk to him anymore coz i can imagine his angry face... sigh... and i know how he doesnt want to be disturbed when he's pissed...

"im truly sorry but i know no matter what i said, u will NEVER listen anymore... please dun leave me alone... i dont wan to lose u as a fren... sorry...."

anyway, another thing i dont understand when ppl keep saying i hate a certain person when i dont... i just dont see that person as a true fren and i cant believe that he wana meet me and talk to me face to face... if he insist, i dont mind... and wat really surprised me that these ppl can cry while talking about how to appreciate ppl around them... sigh... what is going on? is it something that i've said that really make some sense to them? or was i just too direct to really 'slap' them with my words??? haih... i just need a break... my breathing is getting a bit tough again... i hope to enjoy myself in genting... my study schedule doesnt work..after reading 3 pages, i slept for 2hours...sigh... cant be help dee...

its a matter of time...

it isnt a good day.. out of a sudden, i almost fainted while cooking my 2nd fave soup, but i told myself to stand the pain... however, before i could finish washing up the utensils, i vomitted..darn.. it was horrid...after cleaning up, i just drop myself on the bed..and after lunch, i just sleep the whole day which means, i DELAYED my study schedule again... sigh..i cant seem to breathe again..sigh... i wish i will get better before i go to genting...

sometimes, i've been wondering is it a right thing to tell the truth... these few days, i've been 'bothered' by certain words that make me wonder how do i stand in a person's heart? who am i in that person's point of view? a very important person or just a normal fren? i darent ask more as i fear of getting some answers that i dont ever wana hear but why does my heart longs to hear and know more? does it means something to miss someone so badly and just wana meet that person so much that u would try to do watever u can??
i've been having sleepless nites since i was told of things that bothered that person.. everytime i received some not so happy news, i just wish i could be there to support and care for that person... but things arent as easy as it seems to be... there are many consequences for every thing that i say or do. that's the reason i cant possibly be so honest and tell that person... i just dont want to lose another fren that means so much to me...

to my very important person...

i wish i could tell u the feelings inside me, but i dont have the heart to hurt u again and i REALLY dont wana lose a good and great fren like u. u might not know this, but u have been my pillar of strength in many cases when i needed some support to carry on. u instilled some senses in my overly damaged brain and made me think before i say anything. im truly sorry for breaking your heart so many times but i didnt know that my words have so much effect on u... i do hope u will tell me if there's anything u do wana tell me coz i will leaving soon... i just dont wan to see u suffer so much... my heart breaks too... take care and my best regards to u always.. will always luv u too...hugs...

urm..week summary..

the past one week was great...to have bro back in penang and the times we spent eating non-stop till my family blamed me for their 'extra spare tyre'.. no doubt, i've gained so much weight, yet wat surprised me was there are still ppl telling me that i've lost weight. wat a total opposite!!! mum also said that im expanding like a balloon and the first few days i ate like i just came back from kampuchea... well, what to do, i dont plan to come back till CNY.. just see if i can keep my words. bro said he will sure see me around pretty soon after i go back to sabah...i dont think i have the money ler... even air asia's flight is getting so expensive. if i were to take MAS, it will be around RM800 ( that's already student's price if u guys dont know).. i just wish money will drop from heaven... and for second year, i still dont know how much will i spend on books. my first year already cost me nearly RM2k... sigh.. money money please come to me...BUT there is still a tiny biny hope that i might get to come back for bro's convocation... he was surprised when i told him im not going... wat to do ler, im his only overly pampered sister... hehe... just see if dad strikes a lottery by then...

went to the floral festival also..snap a lot of photos but didnt wait till at nite coz it was freaking hot. me and bro was sweating like water running down from the tap. so we headed back home after looking at those flowers on display... okies..some credits to my bro who snaped most of the photos while i SS over there ler(think u ppl can see how i've bloated)..kekeke . those who wan the photos of other flower(especially orchids), do let me know...

wish i could deep inside...hehe..so hot eh...



kaka...me ler...didnt know i took with the swan's 'petpet'...hahahaha

me and the monkeys..suppose to be lanterns....

okies....i think we(me and bro) ate most of the food listed in the list except a few like those in swatow lane, my fave loklok etc, but we had dim sum on the morning bro went back... kinda not into dimsum dee, i dont know y... or was it that i was a bit sad that bro was going back that i dont really have the mood to eat??? i still have 3 weeks to 'wallap' as much as i could and there are still so many people that i havent meet... duh, not to say, i havent touch those books i took back ... ishhhhhh..

anyway, a few probs kinda bothered me that i dont know how to type it down, my brain is like a mess, full with cobwebs here and there... i need to meet sumone before i go back... or else, i will lagi go mad...