thats why u go away...

for the past few days, i've been thinking of things that happened, the words or sentences that left me in a deep melancholy till i dont really pay much attention to anything that i do... another burn mark on my finger...i still dont understand...and i dont think i will possibly will...

we used to be so close that i felt so comfy sharing my joys and pain with u as u're one of the very few people i trust... i still remember all the times we shared talking, smsing and chatting online... but now, its just silence that haunts me... i could even hear when the lizard moved across my room... or maybe my ears are too sensitive... each time when i hear the beep of any msgs, i wish that it is u..but no, it wasnt u but some annoying ppl that dares to threaten me and pissed me off so badly...

anyway, the silence ended for a few hours last nite, when u called out of nowhere and caught me off guard... u were silent most of the time, i dont know why... i darent open up much, as i fear i will break down... i dont want that to happen... but the last few lines u left behind, AGAIN, left a deeper and even worse mark in me... i guess i made a terrible mistake by telling u that i would be leaving, as i dont intend to tell u till i reach sabah... coz i cant bear the pain anymore... have u ever feel ur heart screaming or a knife stuck in it?? though i would prefer that u accompany me to the dr, but when u said u would scream and scold the dr if he/she gonna claim that everything is NORMAL again, i think its better i go alone... my dear fren, there are certain things that u cant diagnose till the very last part..this i hope that everyone will know.. many times, docs are being blamed for failing to do their duties, but there are but very few cases that it is really very hard to diagnose till the end stages... and its just luck if its wat im facing... for one year, i've been attacked by the 'breathlessness syndrome' but all the docs that i went said NOTHING...just said that im stressed or pressured...

hmm... the main point i wana know is... why? why cant u let me go just like that? why are u stressing me with the 'FINAL CHANCE' again? why cant u accept me as who i am? i NEVER complain about u, but why are u 'attacking' me with my stubbornness??? why did u despise me like that when i just said 'no' to a visit to a dr? do u think its fair for me to suffer like that??? how could u treat me like i committed a crime??? why cant u feel the difficulty each time i try to tell u something? u never give me a chance to explain... u just leave me alone to cry with my own shadow every nite...

my only wish was to meet up with u before i fly back... to spend some time with u, a movie, dinner or maybe even teh tarik will do..but i guess its only a wish as i know nothing matters to u until i go find a dr and the report must have something... so, nvm then as u dont trust me... let me swallow the guilt as long as i live, just a remembrance of the good memories we once had, as i know, u wouldnt wana know ANYTHING anymore... "i dont care!!!" thats the last sentence in ur msg that will always be in my memory... i know u wouldnt change ur mind, so..i could only wish u all da best... and like i said previously, someday, u will forget about me, my name, my voice..who??? maybe its a better thing for u too, so u wouldnt have any heartaches or heart attacks due to me... i wont tell u even if the pain is killing and a big thank you for everything u have done for me... i wont forget it...