having sleepless nites doesnt help...
especially when u are being 'haunted' of something..
something u long to do...
but u just dont seem to know how to start or do it..
im still lost in my own thoughts..should i or should i not???
these doubtfulness have been playing in my head..
till i dont know what im doing..feeling restless doesnt help..
and the almost collapse incident remind me of something else..
a promise i made to someone..
but i yet to fulfill it..
no thanx to my own stubborness...
no thanx to my own fear...
that again..left me in my own nightmare daily..

when will i be able to fight against the fear..
when will my strength be fully recovered..
when will my pillar of strength be there for me..
when will be the time that i will face the truth...
when will be the time i have the courage..
the courage to solve the fear...
the courage to cure the pain...
the courage to mend the broken pieces...
i dont know... i really dont...

give me a break...

im currently feeling really FREAKING miserable in kk... i just dont know how to describe the feeling...its just too horrid just thinking of it... only ppl who stayed back like me will have the same feeling... or maybe its just me....if i had strike lottery i would have a better choice... and the feeling gets worse when i received msgs informing who and who is back in penang... arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

but the thing that really pissed me off is certain ppl who i feel like kicking... each time the sms comes, its just NOTHING good... always asking me to do this and that..it really gets on my nerve at this moment especially when im in a deep shitting mood... stop pretending that ur damn innocent or wat so ever... stop being so pathetic... REALLY BUZZ OFF FROM MY LIFE AS FAR AS U CAN.. im really sick with ur damn lame msgs... so shitty... darn... im trying my very best to push sad things far far away from me.. i duno what's going to happen when the second sem starts.. the only thing i cud do is to look forward for CNY... like what justin has said... i will NEVER feel ok as long as i dont get back to my home.. that's how bad shape im in... to those who dont wish to see the other side of me, just stay FAR FAR FAR away from me and dont try to step on my tail... my patience is not as good as last time anymore...

parents in town...

it was such a happy moment when i saw my parents walking to the custom check point... they were very happy to see me... so am i... miss all those parents luv for almost 5months dee... mum REALLY bought a lot of those jeruk and biscuit for me... hehe..and i got a box of choc too...kekeke... we checked into Tang Dynasty Hotel..it was way better than those mum and bro stayed da last time in Shangri-la in terms of location and also price i think... After resting a while, i took mum and dad for dinner at Damai... they said the food is ok... since i had to study for VIVA, dad and mum asked me to go back to hostel to study and would be meeting me after VIVA...

so..VIVA didnt go well on my part... i was nervous and shivering... till i forgot most of the facts in my head... i lost my composure... and could only smile all the way.. Prof wasnt happy,,i know it... and he asked me not so smile and be more serious in the coming sessions... i will be MORE PREPARED nex time... this time really like so messed up.. i just hope i didnt screw up my VIVA .or maybe i ALREADY did... and jeopardize everything??? arhhhhhhhh... just could pray hard at the moment... i darent really imagine much... SCARY and FREAKING...

neway, after VIVA,i met up with my parents... we stopped by at KF for lunch before heading to Kundasang.. the road was very bad... my parents were 'scolding' and nagging along the way... they prefer not to go than to 'waste' the car... poor baby joel... i also heart broken ooo.. and the scariest moment was the time when i couldnt go up the 'bloody' slope at U merlin... no thanx to my coursemate for recommending such a creepy area to me...DARN... and lagi heart broken when the bottom part of the car was bang when going over the harm... arh... SO SORRY to baby joel... thank GOd that my parents are understanding and didnt blame me... Dad finally made the call and we checked into Fairy Garden Resort instead...it wasnt any grand or superb resort but we just didnt wana drive further up hill or wat so ever... just slept for the night and the cool air was nice... kekeke... the sabah type of genting... neway, Kudat trip is cancelled due to the road condition...

dad drove down the hill and i only took over when we reach the smooth road... we went back to my uni and i drove them around the area... my parents were pretty impressed with the uni....especially the beach and jetty...hehe...snap some photos near the front gate and the guards were staring at us like one kind...kakaka...

then, we checked into Tang dynasty again.. and this time we got a bigger room.hehe... went shopping at CP and mum really shopped for some new sandals... for dinner, we went over to Gunter's... ok ler..something new for my parents... and the menu also a bit different dee..this shows i havent been there for such a long time dee loh...the first for this sem..my god...hehehehe....im glad that dad says he's full...hehehe...

the nex day, we shopped around KK town... goodnez, my parents can really stay so long at the Phillipine market and mum is really good at bargaining oo... hahaha... yaya, she needs to get something back for my cousins... went over to KK plaza and wisma Merdeka too... and Tong's really have sales... spent over Rm200 there.... i forgot to stop by at familia...need to get some things from there... or is it that i lost the shop???? hehehe... i memang trial and error every time ler.... i spent the most for the day... dad complained to bro that i took the opportunity to buy new clothes when he's around... hehe... of course lah... im partly broke also mah... we went to damai again for dinner ... im glad my parents enjoyed the food here... hehehe...then, i took them over to Yoyo..a MUST go place for me... hehe... i just want my parents to go to places that i go before or hang out often... didnt go to Little Italy thou coz my parents dont really fancy eating pasta and stuff...or 'Oya' as Japanese food is a NONO to my parents... i just realised i havent been to oya for a long time too... hmm...see lah....

neway, time passed really fast and it's time to bid farewell... im glad when mum says dad enjoyed his trip as he was smiling all the way... i was holding back my tears when i sent my parents off... my parents knew that i very much wana go back with them and they realised how sad i was but wat to do... sigh... the airport was like a mad area just now... everything seems so kaios... when i reached back the hostel, i really couldnt take it anymore... everything seems so empty...tears just flow down... i REALLY miss home so much.... another 3 more months before i can be with my family again..and thats also for 9days if everything goes according to plan... its almost half a year since i last saw my bro... sigh.... i just hope to be strong for this few days... its the silence that's killing me...

sigh sigh

to be able to see with my own eyes how mothers suffered before and after pregnancy was indeed a new experience for me... the 5 minutes or so when i saw how the mother used all her energy and strength and the pain she endured trying her very best to push her dearest baby out left a deep mark in me... i cant exactly feel how much pain they are going thru but by looking at the pain they endured since contraction was REALLY SOMETHING... no wonder a mother's sacrifices is valueless...nothing can be compared to all the sacrifices they went thru.. to be able to see the birth of a new life made me realise how precious life is... as i remembered a line "To realize the value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born"..no one could ever feel the grief of that unfortunate mother...

when i told mum about that, she made me realised how i had been so rebellious last time... im terribly sorry for all the pain that i have caused from last time even till now.. no matter how naughty, stubborn headed and rude i could be at times, my parents still love me as who i am.. i realised that i had hurt them deeply in many ways but they never ever leave me alone, instead would sacrifice so much for my future... i couldnt ask for more but to pray hard that everything goes on well with them... i pray to GOD to bless them abundantly and i pray for their well being and to remain healthy... each time when dad or mum told me of something, my heart really goes all out for them but i cant do much, only words of comfort..that made me feel worse to the max, and left me in deep melancholy... though they asked me not to worry, my heart just doesnt feel right... sigh sigh sigh...

i wana express my happiness, sadness to my very important person,but i guess i should leave him alone now.. i just cant bear to think of the 'coldness' he showed to me... i was hurt but he doesnt care... or maybe he does.. but thats his part...though its damn horrid to keep my silence, i will try my very best... im tired of always having to be the initiator... its more than enough... u dont value me as u said... i regretted for telling u the truth... it just increased ur egoness... but i wont take back my words.. it will another of a history event that i will erase FOREVER ... i just need some time to breathe.. my cyanosis fingers and breathlessness syndrome are still haunting me... just wish i could know wat;s wrong with me... sigh sigh sigh...

sob sob sob

" To left true love be unspoKen.. its da quickest rot 2 da heart..!!!"

something familiar..yet i know its something not easy... to be able to let the other person know ur true feelings, it needs courage and strength... i could still remember those forwarded mails sent by my frens... "please share ur love with those that means a lot to u before its too late..." sigh... things are always easier said that done... why should truth be revealed when we know it will only cause more heartaches, pain and even to the stage of losing a good fren... no, i cant take the risk coz i cant take the pain anymore... only the person responsible can dig the secret out from me...

okay...counting hours... less than 35 hours, and i will bid farewell to things that i have already start missing... i wish i could take my pillow and chao chao there as i really couldnt sleep thruout those times im in my hostel... or maybe i should plan more trips to kudat.. sleeping in my foster family's house is way better as i have my own room there... hehe..with my adik angkat's teddies...make me feel so at home mer... sigh... when mum hugged me just now and said she already start missing me, i know it would be some really hard feelings me on mon... dad is showing signs of 'sadness' and kinda reluctant... sigh.. i could feel their tears, im trying to control my emotions very hard... i cant let them see me cry...

i havent start packing my things, thou i've been reminded so many times... sigh.. everything is on my table and rack..just waiting for the moment to be dumped into my luggage... im taking back at least 4 pairs of shoes...i know its crazy.. bought most of the things i wana buy dee except the food part... sigh..i really dont wana think about this anymore... sick so sick... praying hard that it wouldnt rain on mon..i dont wana freeze and turn white in the aeroplane again... SIENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN... DUN WANA GO BACK TO SABAH... SOB SOB...

sigh...2 more days..its so miserable...

There was some hope...then, it was dashed just like that...it was as if being thrown down from a high rise building,struggling to be saved...with darkness everywhere...with tears streaming like heavy rain drops...with no one hearing ur scream...with no one hearing ur pain...then the head smashed to a zillion pieces, with all parts of the brain being thrown everywhere...the truth of all things doesnt matter anymore...hence it will remain deep inside till ... who knows...

it wasnt sumthing i've expected 2 months back...that's before i came back for the longest break i would ever have...i just wish i could lay there doing nothing...i just wish i could really fulfill things i need to do...i just wish i could meet those i REALLY need to meet...no.. it just doesnt turn out that well...it will be another of those tormenting periods i will go thru..it will be another series of repeated nightmares...till only GOD knows when...i am gonna build up my strength..i am gonna stand up again after falling so many times...
it doesnt matter when im coming back...the coming trips i promise they will be silent ones...those who 'spotted' me will be the very lucky ones...those who dont, its okay...

farewell is only what i wana say...

a new hope...

a mysteriuos number on my hp this morning... some ppl from China.. i wonder who and why..??? most probably its a mistake ler... too bad or is it lucky that my hp really went nuts... no tone came out from it till around afternoon today... it there's a tone, i would have received that call, but then i would be charged as well... hehe... so, who ever it is, i also dun care ler since that fella doesnt reply to the msg i sent...

fINALLY went for a hair cut..okies, it doesnt turn out well, thanx to my natural, curly frizzy hair...no, aint gonna do rebonding thou thats the only thing i could do as my hair is like..sigh.. damn tak boleh repair... if i were to curl, haha.. i will have those super extra bomb eh hair... i cant imagine that..... mum says my hair is okay, but im like trying to mess it up... ish ish ish... sure one of my group member will ask...'y on earth u go cut ur hair??'... will have my cap to the rescue again ler... kaka... mum likes her hair as she says its been years she yearns for that style... good for ya mum...

hmm... i darent tell dad my intention of getting a new hp, its mum who came to the rescue... thanx mummy...hugs and muax... and as expected, dad says, buy something like his can dee... okies ler... stop day dreaming of flip hps, camera hps, etc etc and look at those SIMPLE BASIC hp will do... okies... at least better than nothing... considering there are thousands need to be spent on my fees, books and stuff for 2nd year... i cant be such an ass to demand for more... dad has given me so much.... thanx dad ....

okies... 4 more days.. sux to the max counting days..maybe i should start counting hours... wasnt feeling well today, till mum asked me what's wrong with me?? my face looks like shit... and i lost my appetite...everything taste blunt... sigh sigh...