enduring journey of my life

2007-05-04T10:01:00.000-07:00

having sleepless nites doesnt help...
especially when u are being 'haunted' of something..
something u long to do...
but u just dont seem to know how to start or do it..
im still lost in my own thoughts..should i or should i not???
these doubtfulness have been playing in my head..
till i dont know what im doing..feeling restless doesnt help..
and the almost collapse incident remind me of something else..
a promise i made to someone..
but i yet to fulfill it..
no thanx to my own stubborness...
no thanx to my own fear...
that again..left me in my own nightmare daily..

when will i be able to fight against the fear..
when will my strength be fully recovered..
when will my pillar of strength be there for me..
when will be the time that i will face the truth...
when will be the time i have the courage..
the courage to solve the fear...
the courage to cure the pain...
the courage to mend the broken pieces...
i dont know... i really dont...

give me a break...

2006-11-26T23:28:00.000-08:00

im currently feeling really FREAKING miserable in kk... i just dont know how to describe the feeling...its just too horrid just thinking of it... only ppl who stayed back like me will have the same feeling... or maybe its just me....if i had strike lottery i would have a better choice... and the feeling gets worse when i received msgs informing who and who is back in penang... arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

but the thing that really pissed me off is certain ppl who i feel like kicking... each time the sms comes, its just NOTHING good... always asking me to do this and that..it really gets on my nerve at this moment especially when im in a deep shitting mood... stop pretending that ur damn innocent or wat so ever... stop being so pathetic... REALLY BUZZ OFF FROM MY LIFE AS FAR AS U CAN.. im really sick with ur damn lame msgs... so shitty... darn... im trying my very best to push sad things far far away from me.. i duno what's going to happen when the second sem starts.. the only thing i cud do is to look forward for CNY... like what justin has said... i will NEVER feel ok as long as i dont get back to my home.. that's how bad shape im in... to those who dont wish to see the other side of me, just stay FAR FAR FAR away from me and dont try to step on my tail... my patience is not as good as last time anymore...

parents in town...

2006-11-24T06:20:00.000-08:00

it was such a happy moment when i saw my parents walking to the custom check point... they were very happy to see me... so am i... miss all those parents luv for almost 5months dee... mum REALLY bought a lot of those jeruk and biscuit for me... hehe..and i got a box of choc too...kekeke... we checked into Tang Dynasty Hotel..it was way better than those mum and bro stayed da last time in Shangri-la in terms of location and also price i think... After resting a while, i took mum and dad for dinner at Damai... they said the food is ok... since i had to study for VIVA, dad and mum asked me to go back to hostel to study and would be meeting me after VIVA...

so..VIVA didnt go well on my part... i was nervous and shivering... till i forgot most of the facts in my head... i lost my composure... and could only smile all the way.. Prof wasnt happy,,i know it... and he asked me not so smile and be more serious in the coming sessions... i will be MORE PREPARED nex time... this time really like so messed up.. i just hope i didnt screw up my VIVA .or maybe i ALREADY did... and jeopardize everything??? arhhhhhhhh... just could pray hard at the moment... i darent really imagine much... SCARY and FREAKING...

neway, after VIVA,i met up with my parents... we stopped by at KF for lunch before heading to Kundasang.. the road was very bad... my parents were 'scolding' and nagging along the way... they prefer not to go than to 'waste' the car... poor baby joel... i also heart broken ooo.. and the scariest moment was the time when i couldnt go up the 'bloody' slope at U merlin... no thanx to my coursemate for recommending such a creepy area to me...DARN... and lagi heart broken when the bottom part of the car was bang when going over the harm... arh... SO SORRY to baby joel... thank GOd that my parents are understanding and didnt blame me... Dad finally made the call and we checked into Fairy Garden Resort instead...it wasnt any grand or superb resort but we just didnt wana drive further up hill or wat so ever... just slept for the night and the cool air was nice... kekeke... the sabah type of genting... neway, Kudat trip is cancelled due to the road condition...

dad drove down the hill and i only took over when we reach the smooth road... we went back to my uni and i drove them around the area... my parents were pretty impressed with the uni....especially the beach and jetty...hehe...snap some photos near the front gate and the guards were staring at us like one kind...kakaka...

then, we checked into Tang dynasty again.. and this time we got a bigger room.hehe... went shopping at CP and mum really shopped for some new sandals... for dinner, we went over to Gunter's... ok ler..something new for my parents... and the menu also a bit different dee..this shows i havent been there for such a long time dee loh...the first for this sem..my god...hehehehe....im glad that dad says he's full...hehehe...

the nex day, we shopped around KK town... goodnez, my parents can really stay so long at the Phillipine market and mum is really good at bargaining oo... hahaha... yaya, she needs to get something back for my cousins... went over to KK plaza and wisma Merdeka too... and Tong's really have sales... spent over Rm200 there.... i forgot to stop by at familia...need to get some things from there... or is it that i lost the shop???? hehehe... i memang trial and error every time ler.... i spent the most for the day... dad complained to bro that i took the opportunity to buy new clothes when he's around... hehe... of course lah... im partly broke also mah... we went to damai again for dinner ... im glad my parents enjoyed the food here... hehehe...then, i took them over to Yoyo..a MUST go place for me... hehe... i just want my parents to go to places that i go before or hang out often... didnt go to Little Italy thou coz my parents dont really fancy eating pasta and stuff...or 'Oya' as Japanese food is a NONO to my parents... i just realised i havent been to oya for a long time too... hmm...see lah....

neway, time passed really fast and it's time to bid farewell... im glad when mum says dad enjoyed his trip as he was smiling all the way... i was holding back my tears when i sent my parents off... my parents knew that i very much wana go back with them and they realised how sad i was but wat to do... sigh... the airport was like a mad area just now... everything seems so kaios... when i reached back the hostel, i really couldnt take it anymore... everything seems so empty...tears just flow down... i REALLY miss home so much.... another 3 more months before i can be with my family again..and thats also for 9days if everything goes according to plan... its almost half a year since i last saw my bro... sigh.... i just hope to be strong for this few days... its the silence that's killing me...

sigh sigh

2006-07-30T20:42:00.000-07:00

to be able to see with my own eyes how mothers suffered before and after pregnancy was indeed a new experience for me... the 5 minutes or so when i saw how the mother used all her energy and strength and the pain she endured trying her very best to push her dearest baby out left a deep mark in me... i cant exactly feel how much pain they are going thru but by looking at the pain they endured since contraction was REALLY SOMETHING... no wonder a mother's sacrifices is valueless...nothing can be compared to all the sacrifices they went thru.. to be able to see the birth of a new life made me realise how precious life is... as i remembered a line "To realize the value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born"..no one could ever feel the grief of that unfortunate mother...

when i told mum about that, she made me realised how i had been so rebellious last time... im terribly sorry for all the pain that i have caused from last time even till now.. no matter how naughty, stubborn headed and rude i could be at times, my parents still love me as who i am.. i realised that i had hurt them deeply in many ways but they never ever leave me alone, instead would sacrifice so much for my future... i couldnt ask for more but to pray hard that everything goes on well with them... i pray to GOD to bless them abundantly and i pray for their well being and to remain healthy... each time when dad or mum told me of something, my heart really goes all out for them but i cant do much, only words of comfort..that made me feel worse to the max, and left me in deep melancholy... though they asked me not to worry, my heart just doesnt feel right... sigh sigh sigh...

i wana express my happiness, sadness to my very important person,but i guess i should leave him alone now.. i just cant bear to think of the 'coldness' he showed to me... i was hurt but he doesnt care... or maybe he does.. but thats his part...though its damn horrid to keep my silence, i will try my very best... im tired of always having to be the initiator... its more than enough... u dont value me as u said... i regretted for telling u the truth... it just increased ur egoness... but i wont take back my words.. it will another of a history event that i will erase FOREVER ... i just need some time to breathe.. my cyanosis fingers and breathlessness syndrome are still haunting me... just wish i could know wat;s wrong with me... sigh sigh sigh...

sob sob sob

2006-06-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

" To left true love be unspoKen.. its da quickest rot 2 da heart..!!!"

something familiar..yet i know its something not easy... to be able to let the other person know ur true feelings, it needs courage and strength... i could still remember those forwarded mails sent by my frens... "please share ur love with those that means a lot to u before its too late..." sigh... things are always easier said that done... why should truth be revealed when we know it will only cause more heartaches, pain and even to the stage of losing a good fren... no, i cant take the risk coz i cant take the pain anymore... only the person responsible can dig the secret out from me...

okay...counting hours... less than 35 hours, and i will bid farewell to things that i have already start missing... i wish i could take my pillow and chao chao there as i really couldnt sleep thruout those times im in my hostel... or maybe i should plan more trips to kudat.. sleeping in my foster family's house is way better as i have my own room there... hehe..with my adik angkat's teddies...make me feel so at home mer... sigh... when mum hugged me just now and said she already start missing me, i know it would be some really hard feelings me on mon... dad is showing signs of 'sadness' and kinda reluctant... sigh.. i could feel their tears, im trying to control my emotions very hard... i cant let them see me cry...

i havent start packing my things, thou i've been reminded so many times... sigh.. everything is on my table and rack..just waiting for the moment to be dumped into my luggage... im taking back at least 4 pairs of shoes...i know its crazy.. bought most of the things i wana buy dee except the food part... sigh..i really dont wana think about this anymore... sick so sick... praying hard that it wouldnt rain on mon..i dont wana freeze and turn white in the aeroplane again... SIENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN... DUN WANA GO BACK TO SABAH... SOB SOB...

sigh...2 more days..its so miserable...

2006-06-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

There was some hope...then, it was dashed just like that...it was as if being thrown down from a high rise building,struggling to be saved...with darkness everywhere...with tears streaming like heavy rain drops...with no one hearing ur scream...with no one hearing ur pain...then the head smashed to a zillion pieces, with all parts of the brain being thrown everywhere...the truth of all things doesnt matter anymore...hence it will remain deep inside till ... who knows...

it wasnt sumthing i've expected 2 months back...that's before i came back for the longest break i would ever have...i just wish i could lay there doing nothing...i just wish i could really fulfill things i need to do...i just wish i could meet those i REALLY need to meet...no.. it just doesnt turn out that well...it will be another of those tormenting periods i will go thru..it will be another series of repeated nightmares...till only GOD knows when...i am gonna build up my strength..i am gonna stand up again after falling so many times...
it doesnt matter when im coming back...the coming trips i promise they will be silent ones...those who 'spotted' me will be the very lucky ones...those who dont, its okay...

farewell is only what i wana say...

a new hope...

2006-06-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

a mysteriuos number on my hp this morning... some ppl from China.. i wonder who and why..??? most probably its a mistake ler... too bad or is it lucky that my hp really went nuts... no tone came out from it till around afternoon today... it there's a tone, i would have received that call, but then i would be charged as well... hehe... so, who ever it is, i also dun care ler since that fella doesnt reply to the msg i sent...

fINALLY went for a hair cut..okies, it doesnt turn out well, thanx to my natural, curly frizzy hair...no, aint gonna do rebonding thou thats the only thing i could do as my hair is like..sigh.. damn tak boleh repair... if i were to curl, haha.. i will have those super extra bomb eh hair... i cant imagine that..... mum says my hair is okay, but im like trying to mess it up... ish ish ish... sure one of my group member will ask...'y on earth u go cut ur hair??'... will have my cap to the rescue again ler... kaka... mum likes her hair as she says its been years she yearns for that style... good for ya mum...

hmm... i darent tell dad my intention of getting a new hp, its mum who came to the rescue... thanx mummy...hugs and muax... and as expected, dad says, buy something like his can dee... okies ler... stop day dreaming of flip hps, camera hps, etc etc and look at those SIMPLE BASIC hp will do... okies... at least better than nothing... considering there are thousands need to be spent on my fees, books and stuff for 2nd year... i cant be such an ass to demand for more... dad has given me so much.... thanx dad ....

okies... 4 more days.. sux to the max counting days..maybe i should start counting hours... wasnt feeling well today, till mum asked me what's wrong with me?? my face looks like shit... and i lost my appetite...everything taste blunt... sigh sigh...

desperate...5 more days...

2006-06-20T02:34:00.000-07:00

my hp really unconscious and coma dee..dont think it will ever be conscious again..today, there's no more noise coming out from it...sigh sigh sigh... just hope i can get a new one before i balik meranaing... 5 more days...and that's it...

the omen wasnt as scary as i've expected but its enough to make my hair stood throughout the movie, no thanx to the freaking air cond... thanx to my dearest fren who accompany me though she would very much go for other movie..hehe... (cannot reveal her identity..just in case other ppl knew about it and force her to watch horror movie again) ..hehe... lunch at manila's place was great... first time there and it was good... hehe... nex time will bring my parents there...

okies... better get things done on my list.. still havent cut my hair..hampir botak also ler, hair been dropping like mad... and yeah,,, new hp... MONEY PLEASE DROP FROM HEAVEN.....

6 more days

2006-06-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

6 more days
and u will hear no more
i will let u go as u wish
i will be invisible to u as long as u like
i will be long gone before u ever realise...

i aint gonna turn back
i aint gonna look back
i aint gonna rewind what i did
i aint gonna take back what i said
u are who u are
i am who i am...

as long as u like to have this 'cold war'
its up to u.. i aint gona interfere
my strength is just too weak
my shine is fading
my colour is disappearing...

I loved you once you loved me not.
I loved you twice but I forgot you never loved me.
You never will but even so I love u still.

It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone;
an hour to like someone; a day to love someone;
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone

One day you'll ask me: "what’s more important to you? Me or your life?" I’ll say "my life" and you'll go and leave without even knowing that you are my life.

If love’s a disease then I’m very ill.
But I don’t want medicine, I won’t take no pill.
I will suffer this illness ‘cause it makes me see exactly how much you mean to me!

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newlyDivorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realizeT
he value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a personWho has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a personWho has survived an accident...

To realizeT
he value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when
you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

going back merana syndrome...sob sob

2006-06-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

one more monday, one more tuesday, one more wednesday, one more thursday, one more friday, one more saturday, one more sunday...and then...bubye BIGGY POOH, Bubye PIGGY, bubye all my teddies, bubye my dearest chaochao again, bubye all my teddies, bubye my radio, bubye our most wanted 'TV', bubye my PC, bubye everything at home, bubye penang...and the toughest bubye would be bubye to my dear parents...sigh... the 'going back merana' syndrome is killing me dee... day by day, hours by hours, minute by minute and second by second. it doesnt help when there are still so many things i havent do...

1. meet my teachers

2. meet certain frens i havent meet for year...

3. print my group's name tag

4. print my reports

5. type letters to certain individuals

6. get ready articles and posters for my health promo

7. shop for a new watch, a new hp ( STILL IN MY DREAMS.. but my hp really coma till i duno how to say dee..those can get cheap prices for hp, please let me know.. DESPERATE DEE)..

8. shop and tapao as much FOOD as i can...shud finish before i start 2nd year

9. get ready to pack my stuff..just hope i can manage to talk to the officer-in-charge not to charge me so much for my over weight bags...

10..and keeping my book nice nice where it should be... cant seem to be able to concentrate ler....

sigh... I DUN WANA GO BACK TO SABAH... sob sob..

mixed feelings

2006-06-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

today is another day when i have mixed feelings..some good happenings and some sad results.... sigh... well, early morning, went shopping with mum...manage to buy a pair of shoes, tshirt and some facial stuff.. kinda on the shopping spree to buy those list of 'things i need to bring back to sabah'...kinda to the extend of buying a new biggy luggage too, the one i first took over to sabah.. hehe... so, it was happy mood in the morning.....

then, when i reached home, came a msg from the person whom i've been 'arguing' for weeks... the good thing is the person DID msg me after i hantam kaokao about things i wana say after so long... the sad thing is the news that our most hopeful sponsor for the health promotion turned down our appeal for sponsors without any apparent reason which mean, we aint gonna get any sponsors... darn... kinda expected ler... just no luck ler... sigh... another news i received was our two superb lecturers will be gone by the time we start our new semester.. sigh.. why cant my uni/sch just extend and plead for them to stay...??? they are the real professors that will guide us thru... sigh.. wat ass luck again... so sad that they wouldnt even teach us in 2nd year for a tiny bit...

okies..then...at nite... another mix feelings again... called up a fren whom i didnt talk to since meeting him in dec to ask some questions.... the first thing he asked and said was, 'so how are u arh??? i was so scared to call u after the msgs u sent to me, but i know sure one day u will call me...and u know..i've been keeping the msg u sent to me for almost one year dee...?"..shock as i would be when he read out the content of the msg as if i just sent a minute ago...so sorry that it affected him till this day... of coz it would have affected me the same way just like those sent by a few others to me..thou i didnt save the msg like he did, its always in my mind ler... im not sure why he said 'he gona delete me from his list due to some reasons i couldnt hear'...i told him, its his wish as its his choice..im not him and i cant do anything to stop him too... when i sounded serious like that, it scares him...but i know he wont delete me..coz he once said 'those who dont msg me will regret for life'...and he knew that very well last year..but nah, its not me to say anything... i just wana treasure those frens that means a lot to me all these while before its too late... anyway, the last few lines were a bit too formal for me.. "thanx for calling...and i know u remember me always..." of coz i will always remember those that i care and love... and u were NEVER once useless to me, my dear fren... only wish u understand all those msgs i sent... life is just a journey that we are taking one step at a time.. last time, i had always wish that we would be in the same uni, but nah, its fated that we are to be separated... u are in UM and im in UM+S.. hehe...u have ur life, i have mine... u are enjoying things in uni, with someone by urside who is able to share ur ups and downs and vice versa.. yeah, no doubt u are always in my prayers... its just a matter of how our frenship are bonded... we might not be that close anymore, but i guess its not the end... u know it too...

anyway, going over to bm tmr...going to st.anne's church, didnt go for quite some time dee... and then, shopping again ler...still so many things not yet buy and i think my supp credit card sure burst dee... hehe..luckily my dada is going... hehe...okies... 8 more days before i say bubye to pg...not sure when coming back...end of this year...or nex year???

happy father's day

2006-06-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

dad,
i dont know how should i start this
but i guess u wouldnt be reading this
unless i print out a copy for u.....

dad,
even thou most ppl think that mums are the best,
for me, you're not any lesser than them...t
hou u were hesitant to carry me when
i was a few days or weeks old due to my small tiny bones and fragile neck,
but now, i'm ur overgrown baby
who u NEVER fail to hug each time im back
or each time i bid farewell...

dad,
over the years...u sacrificed so much for us,
or more particularly for me...
when i was in secondary 1 and 2,
u asked to teach in the afternoon just because of me...
bro also had to sacrifice, having to walk home for 2 years...

dad,
u used to cane us with ur magical cane..
.thick or thin, u name it...
i dont remember how many times,
the cane landed on my palm or legs,
some due to my stupidness,
some due to my foolishness,
some due to my stubbornness,
and yeah..some due to my rebellious attitude...

dad,
thinking about it could only make me smile..
if not for the cane,
i guess i will score a biggy egg in my Maths..
but no, i did well in Maths year by year...
my 'Alam Dan Manusia' sux to the fullest...
but the magic cane manage to activate my memory cells
i wouldnt even change to a better person
,if not for the marks that left me in deep pain...

dad,
the painful 'incident' that happened to me in 2004,
was the year i learnt that only you would sacrifice anything for me...
the tears u shed in front of me...
was light a knife stuck in me,
u wiped my tears and asked me not to cry
u gave me the warmest hug ever...
u supported me financially and mentally...
u didnt mind forking out thousands for me..
thou the money was ur hard earn savings with mum...t
he worst ever pain for me to bear..
was to see and hear u..
crying and begging for me to be given a place...
its too much, dad... i know its too much for u to do this for me...
coz i remembered vividly how the snobbish lady treated us like 'rubbish'
but u assured me its ok and u appeal for me...
just to let me study something i like...
no dad..u have done too much for me...
hence i made a vow, NEVER to let u down as long as i live..

dad,
i know the sacrifices u made for us..
u hardly have time to rest..
u hardly have time to relax..
when u say how tired u were...
i wish i could just stop everything and help u out..
coz the guilt in me was way to much...
but i know u wouldnt let me do it..
coz u wan the best for me and bro...

dad,
i realize all ur hard work and pain all these while,
couldnt be replaced no matter what i do or say...
i just wana say a sincere apology for all the pain i've caused...
u arent just any dad...but a SUPER HERO to me...
i promise u that i will strive hard to achieve my dream,
i promise u that i will NEVER give up no matter how hard life is,
coz... no matter how hard it is,
it wouldnt even match the pain u have gone thru for us...
i love u dad...

dad, you are my Fabulous, Amiable, Thoughtful, Honourable, Excellent and Reliable father that noone could ever replace...

thats why u go away...

2006-06-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

for the past few days, i've been thinking of things that happened, the words or sentences that left me in a deep melancholy till i dont really pay much attention to anything that i do... another burn mark on my finger...i still dont understand...and i dont think i will possibly will...

we used to be so close that i felt so comfy sharing my joys and pain with u as u're one of the very few people i trust... i still remember all the times we shared talking, smsing and chatting online... but now, its just silence that haunts me... i could even hear when the lizard moved across my room... or maybe my ears are too sensitive... each time when i hear the beep of any msgs, i wish that it is u..but no, it wasnt u but some annoying ppl that dares to threaten me and pissed me off so badly...

anyway, the silence ended for a few hours last nite, when u called out of nowhere and caught me off guard... u were silent most of the time, i dont know why... i darent open up much, as i fear i will break down... i dont want that to happen... but the last few lines u left behind, AGAIN, left a deeper and even worse mark in me... i guess i made a terrible mistake by telling u that i would be leaving, as i dont intend to tell u till i reach sabah... coz i cant bear the pain anymore... have u ever feel ur heart screaming or a knife stuck in it?? though i would prefer that u accompany me to the dr, but when u said u would scream and scold the dr if he/she gonna claim that everything is NORMAL again, i think its better i go alone... my dear fren, there are certain things that u cant diagnose till the very last part..this i hope that everyone will know.. many times, docs are being blamed for failing to do their duties, but there are but very few cases that it is really very hard to diagnose till the end stages... and its just luck if its wat im facing... for one year, i've been attacked by the 'breathlessness syndrome' but all the docs that i went said NOTHING...just said that im stressed or pressured...

hmm... the main point i wana know is... why? why cant u let me go just like that? why are u stressing me with the 'FINAL CHANCE' again? why cant u accept me as who i am? i NEVER complain about u, but why are u 'attacking' me with my stubbornness??? why did u despise me like that when i just said 'no' to a visit to a dr? do u think its fair for me to suffer like that??? how could u treat me like i committed a crime??? why cant u feel the difficulty each time i try to tell u something? u never give me a chance to explain... u just leave me alone to cry with my own shadow every nite...

my only wish was to meet up with u before i fly back... to spend some time with u, a movie, dinner or maybe even teh tarik will do..but i guess its only a wish as i know nothing matters to u until i go find a dr and the report must have something... so, nvm then as u dont trust me... let me swallow the guilt as long as i live, just a remembrance of the good memories we once had, as i know, u wouldnt wana know ANYTHING anymore... "i dont care!!!" thats the last sentence in ur msg that will always be in my memory... i know u wouldnt change ur mind, so..i could only wish u all da best... and like i said previously, someday, u will forget about me, my name, my voice..who??? maybe its a better thing for u too, so u wouldnt have any heartaches or heart attacks due to me... i wont tell u even if the pain is killing and a big thank you for everything u have done for me... i wont forget it...

loneliness..

2006-06-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

Loneliness

It arrives unannounced

the old familiar feeling

an unwelcome companion.

Emptiness.

Loneliness.

Tired of the oneness

of being half,

not whole.

Yearning for completion

to find the missing piece

Always alone.

Why try?

Why endure?

It is a daily struggle to continue,

to remember to wake to breathe to exist.

The emptiness consumes me.

Isolated

Barren

Waiting

Wanting more.

This is all.

There is no more.

an intersting photo...

a broken mirror..

2006-06-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

he NEVER read my blog until recently and the comments he post up left a deep mark in me... the reason he does that only he knows... he knew very well the meaning the things i've posted but i guess its only him to do that... the words he left indeed was a torture to me... i knew i did a HUGE mistake for hurting him, but i dee apologized... i know sorries just wouldnt do anything or meant anything, especially after u hurt someone so precious to u but what else does he want me to do??? he didnt reply the long msgs i sent... i wanted to call, but i know tears will just roll down when i hear his voice...or maybe he wouldnt pick up his hp too...

"how do u mend a broken mirror back 2 normal n without even a scratch..? "

thats a question he left behind... its impossible to mend a broken mirror... once its broken, its broken... i guess the meaning he wanted to tell me was, no matter what i did, it will NEVER mend his broken heart... yeah, i know that... i guess i should just leave him alone and face the fact that i lose a dear fren due to my own foolishness... there's no point for me to send msgs to him since it will just be a one way flow...i will swallow the guilt the rest of my life and i know i could not turn back the time to withdraw what i've said... so... farewell my dear fren... i know what i should do now... someday, u will forget about me, my name, my voice..who???

YOU’VE CHANGED MY WORLD

At times the days seemed so long, I thought I'd never make it through,

Then suddenly, out of a dream, I have met someone like you.

I had locked up all my feelings and I'd thrown away the key,

Until your heart spoke a thousand words I knew were meant to be.

When times turned rough and lonely, and despair fell upon my face,

You comforted me and kept me safe in that loving special place.
You don't realize what you have and what you've done for me,

But the way you managed to steal my heart is what has set me free.

You've given me a feeling that no one else could ever change,

Your love has touched a place in me that I always found so strange.

It's as if you were cut right out of a spell cast upon my heart,

Because the crazy thing about it is, I've loved you from the start.
No one in this wide world could touch the feelings we share;

To the seconds I spend with you, nothing can compare.

You've opened my eyes and heart just enough and let me live,

You've changed my world with magic and the kindness that you give.

My heart was broken, and I thought love was so far away,

But you came into my life and showed me a better day.
Like crystal clear blue waters or a magical sunset,

That moment speaks a thousand words to which no price can be met.

I wish I could just stop time and spend the whole night in your eyes,

For when I'm with you there's a feeling even I cannot describe.

Although my heart holds painful memories that will never be erased,

You touch me with a love so strong it hides that lonely place.
Heartbreak, loss and misery were all I ever knew,

Until someone showed me happiness and that someone was you.

Your gentle words and loving arms lift me up when I am down,

And, baby, with all you've done for me you've turned my world around.

Your love is so consistent, like the waves that break on shore,

And with every day my love for you still grows, just more and more.
When broken dreams still fill my days and nothings going right,

You reassure me with your smile and give me back my sight.

You sweep a spell across my heart, like a breeze across the sea,

And you fill my world with beautiful dreams & feelings meant to be.

The way you live, the way you love and even so much more,

With every smile that you give, you're all I could ask for.
You are in every breath I take and in every tear I cry,

You're in every star I wish upon up in the lonely sky.

Every day with you is heaven, like an angel from above,

A million magic moments sent- to give you all my love.

You are living proof that prayers and dreams really do come true,

And I thank God for that special day he blessed my heart with you.
I could speak of a thousand promises or even bet my very soul,the rest of my life,

I'll be touched with a feeling no one can control.

Fate, destiny or magic may be the reason that we met,

But all I know is the days with you I never will forget

.Until the day I found you I never knew a love so true,

But from today until eternity I swear I'll be loving you!

suakuness

2006-06-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

Tired and sleepy are what i have to say about the weekend... it was indeed a good time to spend the weekend with my family coz i know it will be hard for us to get together that often anymore... neway, reaching genting around 4am wasnt a nice thing when i think back.. we started journey at around 10.15pm, stopped by at Tg Malim first before heading to Taiping to pick up the remaining passengers. Talking about Tg Malim, the place hasnt change from the last time since i was in primary school till now except that u have to pay 20cents to go into the toilet and the things are more expensive...Pathetic man... the toilet is still those DIY kinda thingy (kinda degrading when we are moving towards a modernized country)..nvm... the whole journey, the aircond was damn cold and im partly freezing dee and when we reached genting, people were rushing down but i was one of the last.. hehe...

since the counter to take the number for the rooms will only open at 5am, we left our bag at those portal counter and head to the casino de genting... it was quite far from our first world hotel . okies..the first time stepping inside the casino..the alarm beeped...of course i was embarassed ler, tot i did something wrong. i was hesitant to walk inside dee but the policeman could even joked...lau eh.. he said 'You ada pistol kah? tak ada kan? masuk saja ler..!!!"..ishhh.. suakuness really hit right on the spot... okies, after looking around to see wat a casino is all about, me and mum headed back to the hotel to get the number but OMG, the queue was damn long, thanx to a few more buses loaded with passengers that arrived.. damn.. due to that, i could only checked-in after 9am.. sigh...so, me and mum went over to the new casino which is first world's casino, which have lesser people, which means lesser people who smoke..instead of betting, we enjoyed breakfast there with free flow of coffee, milo, teh tarik and mango juice,,, haha...we sat for nearly 2 hours before adjourning to the hotel lobby... after we received our rooms' keys, we headed up to our room but alas, the housekeeping havent cleared the place as they only checked-in for their duties..sigh, so me and mum lepak outside the room and people who walked pass us must have felt the stupidness in us but what to do, the lobby is full with people dee...and we were getting dizzy to see the amount of people everywhere.. FINALLY, after the guy who cleared our rooms, me and mum went into the room and wanted to sleep like a pig dee.. then, dad came up to the room after hours in the casino and bro and ai phing arrived from kl... so, time to makan ler...hungry dee..

hence, we went over to highland hotel which offered the chinese cuisine type of buffet lunch.. and the restaurant is in the Hollywood casino... haha.. the 'policemen' stopped both me and ai phing to check our ICs..aiyo... and the guy who checked me said..oo..sudah 22...haha... maybe he saw my sampatness face kua... anyway, we had a great lunch, really typical chinese food...ate till wana burst.. haha... so, my outdoor theme park plan also cancelled ler. lucky thing i didnt buy the ticket as it was misty in the morning and raining heavily later in the afternoon... in-door theme park pulak full with kiddos...can pengsan...so, bro, ai phing, mum and me went over to the snow house after spending sum time in the casino..after grabbing our winter jackets, gloves and keeping our stuff in the locker, its time to play with ice... haha.. bro attacked me cukup-cukup, but he didnt know that i also had my evil plans dee... neway, the sia sui part was i fell and hit my butt when i slipped in order to avoid his attack... the guy who saw was laughing at me..ish..malu... the coolest part was eating ice cream in the snow house... mum was already freezing and she said her lip was numb... the last 5 minutes in the snow house was really attack time for me and bro..when he wanted to put ice inside my jacket, i was ready with my handful of ice too...i managed to splashed the ice into his body and he screamed ler... muahahahaha... but the second time, i wasnt lucky as he managed to revenge and it was my time who started to scream..(if u guys dont know how it felt, nex time, grab sum ice and put inside ur body..and see how cold it is..) when the man whistle to indicate that its time, i made the mistake to throw ice at bro first as he had more time to put ice inside my jacket again, and my ear also became a victim and turned so red... and my hair also full of ice... ishhh... after that, we went to the hotel room and slept like piggies.... till dad knocked on the door... hehe

dinner time...we ate bah kut teh as dad wants to eat something hot... it was ok, more worth it than those noodles that cost RM10++ per bowl...after dinner, football time..it was a miracle that i would spend my time watching football in Genting... i ordered some funny cocktail...was it hino kukulu or mino kolulu? i forgot but it was nice... a mixture of peach, lychee, pinapple and grape juice which cost nearly RM20 per glass... hehe.. bro's treat mer.. at least the cocktail and some peanuts kept me awake till full time..i was a bit blur blur dee after the match but we went over to the casino to try our luck again..hehe.. a bit happy ler, strike the mini jackpot of RM30... after that, tidur de ler...but cant really sleep... sigh

mum woke us up around 8am...its late dee.. supposed wana play the space shuttle 'superman' kinda thingy but i was a bit dizzy dee.. dun play play, later i black out like that day... so went to eat buffet breakfast pulak...yum yum... all of us were hungry, dont know why...so, eat until the people said they are closing at 10am..haiya..we just arrived around 9am mer...nvm ler..,so, after eating, went to casino again ler... play for another hour, mum managed to win RM60.. hehe... dad, duno with him ler.. he won on saturday, but sunday not so sure....
so, its time to balik kampung dee... bro and ai phing went back first after he bought new tickets on the spot... lucky thing for him also ler, dont have to wait so long... me, mum and dad reached pg around 8pm..after eating dinner at the coffee shop, went home, wash up..and slowly my eyes also closed dee ler...so, slept like a log till just now..thanx to my gp member who called me and can even asked.."har, u sleep till 10sumthing arh??" hello, i dont wake up that early... nvm... time to open my books dee.... two more weeks before i merana again..sob sob

im sorry..

2006-06-09T02:30:00.000-07:00

to hurt someone that means a lot to me is like tearing my own heart apart.. i know it was my fault, but i really dont mean to hurt him... i know he wont forgive me no matter how many sorries i said... i know he doesnt want to see me suffer... i know he cares about me... i know he tries to ease my burden.. i know he's trying to do everything just to ease my pain.. but i really dont wan to burden him.. i dont want to see him suffer coz my heart suffers with him too. anyway, last nite was the first time he was so pissed with me... it was the first time he said ' for the last time, are u going to the dr or not... im giving u the last chance before i go mad and pissed off...' and when i insist of saying no.. he TOTALLY ignore me... sigh... i know i should have said 'yes' but i dont wan to lie to him... it was my fault to tell him what happened yesterday...im just so stupid... i darent talk to him anymore coz i can imagine his angry face... sigh... and i know how he doesnt want to be disturbed when he's pissed...

"im truly sorry but i know no matter what i said, u will NEVER listen anymore... please dun leave me alone... i dont wan to lose u as a fren... sorry...."

anyway, another thing i dont understand when ppl keep saying i hate a certain person when i dont... i just dont see that person as a true fren and i cant believe that he wana meet me and talk to me face to face... if he insist, i dont mind... and wat really surprised me that these ppl can cry while talking about how to appreciate ppl around them... sigh... what is going on? is it something that i've said that really make some sense to them? or was i just too direct to really 'slap' them with my words??? haih... i just need a break... my breathing is getting a bit tough again... i hope to enjoy myself in genting... my study schedule doesnt work..after reading 3 pages, i slept for 2hours...sigh... cant be help dee...

its a matter of time...

2006-06-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

it isnt a good day.. out of a sudden, i almost fainted while cooking my 2nd fave soup, but i told myself to stand the pain... however, before i could finish washing up the utensils, i vomitted..darn.. it was horrid...after cleaning up, i just drop myself on the bed..and after lunch, i just sleep the whole day which means, i DELAYED my study schedule again... sigh..i cant seem to breathe again..sigh... i wish i will get better before i go to genting...

sometimes, i've been wondering is it a right thing to tell the truth... these few days, i've been 'bothered' by certain words that make me wonder how do i stand in a person's heart? who am i in that person's point of view? a very important person or just a normal fren? i darent ask more as i fear of getting some answers that i dont ever wana hear but why does my heart longs to hear and know more? does it means something to miss someone so badly and just wana meet that person so much that u would try to do watever u can??
i've been having sleepless nites since i was told of things that bothered that person.. everytime i received some not so happy news, i just wish i could be there to support and care for that person... but things arent as easy as it seems to be... there are many consequences for every thing that i say or do. that's the reason i cant possibly be so honest and tell that person... i just dont want to lose another fren that means so much to me...

to my very important person...

i wish i could tell u the feelings inside me, but i dont have the heart to hurt u again and i REALLY dont wana lose a good and great fren like u. u might not know this, but u have been my pillar of strength in many cases when i needed some support to carry on. u instilled some senses in my overly damaged brain and made me think before i say anything. im truly sorry for breaking your heart so many times but i didnt know that my words have so much effect on u... i do hope u will tell me if there's anything u do wana tell me coz i will leaving soon... i just dont wan to see u suffer so much... my heart breaks too... take care and my best regards to u always.. will always luv u too...hugs...

urm..week summary..

2006-06-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

the past one week was great...to have bro back in penang and the times we spent eating non-stop till my family blamed me for their 'extra spare tyre'.. no doubt, i've gained so much weight, yet wat surprised me was there are still ppl telling me that i've lost weight. wat a total opposite!!! mum also said that im expanding like a balloon and the first few days i ate like i just came back from kampuchea... well, what to do, i dont plan to come back till CNY.. just see if i can keep my words. bro said he will sure see me around pretty soon after i go back to sabah...i dont think i have the money ler... even air asia's flight is getting so expensive. if i were to take MAS, it will be around RM800 ( that's already student's price if u guys dont know).. i just wish money will drop from heaven... and for second year, i still dont know how much will i spend on books. my first year already cost me nearly RM2k... sigh.. money money please come to me...BUT there is still a tiny biny hope that i might get to come back for bro's convocation... he was surprised when i told him im not going... wat to do ler, im his only overly pampered sister... hehe... just see if dad strikes a lottery by then...

went to the floral festival also..snap a lot of photos but didnt wait till at nite coz it was freaking hot. me and bro was sweating like water running down from the tap. so we headed back home after looking at those flowers on display... okies..some credits to my bro who snaped most of the photos while i SS over there ler(think u ppl can see how i've bloated)..kekeke . those who wan the photos of other flower(especially orchids), do let me know...

wish i could deep inside...hehe..so hot eh...

kaka...me ler...didnt know i took with the swan's 'petpet'...hahahaha

me and the monkeys..suppose to be lanterns....

okies....i think we(me and bro) ate most of the food listed in the list except a few like those in swatow lane, my fave loklok etc, but we had dim sum on the morning bro went back... kinda not into dimsum dee, i dont know y... or was it that i was a bit sad that bro was going back that i dont really have the mood to eat??? i still have 3 weeks to 'wallap' as much as i could and there are still so many people that i havent meet... duh, not to say, i havent touch those books i took back ... ishhhhhh..

anyway, a few probs kinda bothered me that i dont know how to type it down, my brain is like a mess, full with cobwebs here and there... i need to meet sumone before i go back... or else, i will lagi go mad...

procrastinating means suffering...

2006-05-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

well, i always tell myself not to procrastinate my work... i hardly do but when it comes to clearing my already 'after tornedo strike kinda' room, it took years for me to actually get started until today when i FINALLY bertaubat to clear my yellow looking and berkulat books and notes since form 6... the dust is like..cm thick and the amount of dead si-py-da is a lot also... some dangling as if they committed suicide...

hehe..that's how thick the dust after i dont know how many years...

okies ler, when i was in AIMST, i thought i mite still need those books and notes mer, coz in the first semester, most of what we learnt were based on form 6 kinda syllabus especially biology. then, when i got the offer to go over the Sabah, i hardly have time to even clear my things that i transfered back from SP. mum also doesnt have the energy to clear my things, coz its a whole damn lot... i didnt know that i had so many books back in form 6, up to 2 big boxes and my notes, OMG, 4boxes eh...

some of the boxes that i used...

part of my cabinet... sia sui nia.. hehe

luckily some of my notes and books in AIMST i already gave to sumone. lau eh...really cant imagine the amount of things i will have after 5 years in sabah... mum says once i finish my studies in ums, she's gona send my things over to me... aiyo.. HEADACHE eh...

anyway, when clearing my magazines, it brought back some memories of the times back in high school...

my school magazines from form 1 up to form 6...

from the time i cried in class, fought with some irritating people, missed my school bus due to final exam in form 5, even had to push my old 'bus sekolah' when it broke down in the school compund and the list goes on... when i saw myself in my old RC uniform, i remember those times when i was such an 'ahli tidur' back in form 1, never bother about anything in RC until somehow was stimulated as well ler... having deccee as my senior as well as my godsis somehow gave me some encouragement to be more active in RC, that was how i started step by step, from school activities, outside duties, first aid quizes, competitions...until i received my certificate of merit in form 5. my happiest moment was when my team became the champion in CLHS first aid quiz..however, my torturing moments was went i became the HSL, leading a committee who gave me more heartaches and problems...being bombarded by officers and teachers and having to be the defence 'minister' in what ever circumstances..that was when i learn so many things that i didnt know. but again, thanx to my best buddy and another good fren for supporting me back then. if not for them, i wouldnt have become so tough to fight back and point out my stand...

my cute super rabbity (instead of piggy) banks..hehe..

then, came to the piles of colourful envelope..those are my snail mails...ooo,yeah...did i mention i love to send mails..??? its just so much fun reading back the contents..no words can describe the feeling... nostalgic? maybe... i do have lots of those lovely cards and some words of encouragement when i was down... but as time passed by, when people are getting more and more bz and with the advancement of technology, most people send out e-mails... im not left out, i do send emails but no matter what, i still prefer snail mails... hence, some of my frens still receive my snail mails or cards once i a blue moon... hehehe....yeah, its costy the sweet memory remains...imagine nex time when im 60/70 ( urm, if i can live up to that age) and reading back those teenager kinda letters...ehehehe.. or maybe showing them to my future generation as i think they wouldnt know what snail mail is all about nex time..
and then..cheng cheng cheng...FOUND money among my books ler... hahahaha... not much ler but at least can treat myself for sum meal..or maybe keep to buy a new watch..somehow, all the capalang and low grade eh watches ( mostly the RM10 from chee cheong kai ler..) all spoilt dee, either the stripe tercabut here and there or the battery just went dead after i wore for like 5 days... change duno how many times dee also cant help...so, its time to get a new hopefully branded eh watch to last me longer...

then, last nite was talking to bro about changing new hp, my 3310 memang very sick dee... auto off when i tengah pek chek... haih...when i unintentionally told dad about my it, he said u choose..either u wan a car or hp...adui... sure wan both ler, dad... hp is for the current moment mah... car i dont think so fast will approve ler...still have to wait till bro settle down with his job mer... adui... maybe, have to start some 'evil plans' dee ler..sumehow hope to get new hp before i balik to sabah... my 3310 wil keep for my digi line ler..dahlah the other hp for my digi eh memang coma dee..aiyo.. wish money will drop from heaven ler... PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

okies...better get going... cant wait to meet bro in a few hours time... till then.. will stop blogging dee... for a week ler... kakakaka... compile everything after my bro balik to puchong lah... and..tmr will start opening my ana book dee... time to bertaubat and get my brain to start functioning.. hopefully can go to botanical garden for the floral festival ler.. and will snap lots of photo... hehehe

urm.. need to burn some fats dee...

2006-05-28T10:51:00.000-07:00

okies...its time to reveal the secret.. i've gained weight and urm, its REALLY OMG... i darent imagine the nex few weeks... with bro coming back on tues, its really eating marathon to the max. i think its time i get my butt moving dee. must get my jogging shoe and cap ready for the week... tak boleh tahan dee. i dont wana shock the whole UMS when i get back... hehe...

hmm..then, will stop blogging for one week dee..give chance to bro to get online ler for the week he is back. his business so big mer, one day didnt check the mail box, sure the emails berlambak-lambak dee unlike me, one week didnt check, no mails also ler. maybe that week also, can FINALLY start to really study my ana and physiology. havent touch my books for more than a month dee... and as usual, my brain start to rot dee ler. mum nags dee loh.."told u not to bring back ur books dee...NEVER listen..see now, u just waste the 8kg of luggage...or else can bring back more things to sabah..etc etc.." aiyo, typical ler... where can i predict i got so many things to do arh? some of my days, my parents dee planned ahead before letting me know wor..like the other day, THANK GOD i woke up earlier a bit than usual, so shocked when i heard my aunt banging and calling out my name so loud,,walau eh, wan the whole 19 floor apartment to know my name meh? sia sui ...

hehe...better start preparing for my things to take back to sabah dee... have so many things to buy... and okies ler..bertaubat dee, tmr bermati-mati also have to clear my things.. haha..typical me ler..kena some stimulation dee, only my limbs will start moving and the reason for this time is, BRO WILL BE BACK THE FOLLOWING DAY... hehehe... dun wan him to tembak me like a shooting gun mer and as usual, many of my things are thrown into his room... hehehe..till then... and here are the list of food to eat for the week...kua kua...how to diet ler???

1. steamboat... i will be choosing the ingredients...plenty of fishballs ler, 'hai som', fish meat, lots of mushrooms, vegetables (hei..need some vitamins also mer=)), prawns..etc... maybe i will fried some wantan ler...hehe
2. my crab feast... and steam fish with those so nice chillie paste...i aint gona give face to my bro eh..been waiting for this so long dee =P
3. maybe go eat some roti canai..those are bro's fave ler..he doesnt like kayu which is my fave hanging area...
4. Penang road chendol...hoho..my fave... and add sum laksa (suggestion by mum)..then..my padang's lok lok...my fave ler..
5. sg.pinang's curry me and duck meat noodle also in the list...thou i dee makan ler...hehe
6. sure bro will wana eat loh bak eh...his fave mer...hehe... i makan many times dee (this one wont snatch with him ler )
7. some ikan and sotong panggang
8. fried oyster ler...
9. maybe go swatow lane...can wallap the pai kut hokkien me again and ice kacang... hehehe...
10. char koay teow ler...A MUZ for every penangite...and the list still moving ler... hehehehe...

im confused...

2006-05-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

since the day u volunteered to help me with the 'impossible' task,
i asked myself whether ...
is it u that i have been searching for?
is it u that i have been looking for?
is it u that i have been hoping for?
i do ask myself not to dream,
i do ask myself not to hope,
but it doesnt help much when...
my heart longs to hear from u so much,
my ears long to hear the beep or ur msgs or ur warm voice when u call,
my eyes long to see ur name on my phone,
i cant help it...

when u told me how sick u were,
my only wish was to see u at that moment,
my only hope was to be there beside u or give u a warm hug,
but it is so disappointing when i cant,
it is so painful when i can only pray that u're ok,
it is so torturing when i cant see u and share ur pain...
i was worried when u told me u're alone,
coz i dont want u to feel the loneliness that i have been going thru...
i wan u to feel that u have someone beside u always...
coz i am always there for u...
u know i care about u more than myself...

no matter what,
i really hope everything is ok on ur part,
i will always pray that u are happy and blessed,
i will try to accomplish the 'task' u assigned me...
but im wondering how can i do it...
as im questioning myself whether...
have u conquered my heart without me knowing...
or...was is just my illusion or dream...???

wat a day eh...

2006-05-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

last time when i told mum that guys are no longer 'gentle men', she doesnt take my word seriously but instead she scolded me back by saying im not a good helper myself..but, what happened today kinda changed her perception and i guess she FINALLY understood my msg...

it was a damn sia suing thing when the car battery just went dead when i was just reversing out from the parking lot after went marketing with mum... i was blocking the road and those cars were honking as if i did it on purpose..that was bad enough...hence, mum says better push back to the parking lot as we just couldnt start the engine. i told mum to control the stering while i pushed since im so fat but she insisted that i control the stering as she didnt drive for so long dee while she tried her best to push... so, i guiltily sat controlling the stering while mum pushed the car.. coming to the point..there were a few guys pretty near to us but they just stared at mum without even trying to help her...WAY TO GO GENTLEMEN... i would very well said..DUMBASSES ...the very very pissing situation was the CELAKA parking attentant...dahlah didnt help mum to push the car sumore charged us extra parking fee COZ WE WERE PARKING AT THE LOT... if i know this is gona happen, i would just leave the car to jam the whole damn road... WALAU EH... i felt like throwing those 60cents right at his face...WAH..beh tahan...

im gona wack u guys like that if im ALLOWED TO...arhhhhh

of coz press the SOS button dee ler after that... dad came to the rescue with the mechanic..the battery is ok but the startle plug and duno wat ler dee capalang.. so, change this and that, top up the battery water and the black oil.. and the cost came up to RM195..adui..no money dee ler... luckily managed to finish on time as dad needs to use the car in the evening... i really cant imagine if the car were to break down this morning as both me and mum went shopping in town this morning... so, kinda thankful ler the car broke down at the right place..as the workshop is just around the market near my place...

so..after came back, mum tak boleh tahan dee...complained about how the guys could just stare without helping her..and i think she injured her leg and backbone dee...the car ISNT light and with me inside lagi... haih..GUILTY TO THE MAX... neway, MUM, this is the facts about guys nowadays... dont depend on them too much... i've went thru many situation before when guys just gave me such bad impressions that i wonder how will they lead the world in the future...???i'm not saying ALL guys are like that..but maybe im just plain bad luck to come across so many disappointing attitude guys...ishhhhhhhhh

anyway, today i got to know that there are allergies that i NEVER know before... allergy to the air we breathe, allergy to ajinomoto, allergy to rust..and the list just goes on...so so so kerlian my very good fren to have this 'allergies'..i guess he must has certain genes that are mutated dee... hope everything is allrite on his part... couldnt sleep the whole nite, wondering what went wrong with him when he vomitted half a yesterday till even when i chatted with him early in the morning, he was still vomitting... aiyo... eat some healthy food my dear fren...

to my AIMST buddies, im sorry that i dont know when im gonna meet u guys...its kinda hard for me to go over to SP..dad needs to use the car..so sorry..i will try to find my way..but no promise... till then...all the best to u guys for the coming tests or is it exam??? dun pressure urselves too much... GOD bless...

a good day..hehe

2006-05-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

though i didnt see the first two of Xmen episode (or maybe i did but dont remember..hehe), it was nice to watch the Finale..it was so cool when 'those mutants' have such wonderful powers of their own... the coolest part was when one of the leaders ( gosh..wats that guy name dee... i cud remember him as Gondolf in LOTR nia..aiks) transfer the bridge from its orginal location to the island in which the so-called doctors are trying to 'cure' those mutants so that they can be normal ppl just like the others... hehe...

anyway, it was nice catching up with jason just now... my godbro whom i didnt meet for more than a year dee... and he brought his fren along, eng luen whom i remembered meeting 2 years back together with dinesh at pelita... but he was very sure he didnt see me before..wat to do ler... haha..so nice, today's movie ticket jason treat and also the popcorn combo... hehe... THANX bro.. luv u so much.. hehehe... and thanx to eng luen also for treating me drink during lunch..hehe... so, din really spend any money today except for some stationeries...

okies...just hope i can get to watch poseidon and da vince ler.. aiyo... MI3 also not yet watch eh... sien sien sien....

a good day..hehe

2006-05-25T10:05:00.001-07:00

a good day..hehe

2006-05-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

shopping...

2006-05-22T10:03:00.000-07:00

i wish i have more money for shoppings... hehe.. i guess everyone hope or wish for the same thing... hehe... well, today went over to prangin and komtar with mum..it has been ages since i last went over to komtar, i cant remember the last time i walked past there.. hehe... i also didnt go to prangin for sometime dee, the last time was to do my specs... nvm about that...

its a fruitful 'window shopping' when i actually managed to buy 4shirts and somthing like a sweater/shirt and 2 pairs of slack plus one pooh towel and a slipper...kakaka... luckily mum is clever to bring some cash coz i dont have much cash left after i return to pg.. those shops dont accept card eh...hehehe... mum also got herself a blouse... its not the end of shopping spree yet but just the BEGINNING... hahaha.. i already told her i need to get new clothes before i came back and i guess mum thought i wana change the whole wardrobe like that and she keeps saying its time u start hunting for ur new clothes... i just LUV U SO MUCH MUMMY... hugggggggssss..im wondering my luggage is enough for my things when i return to sabah..i already have my 8kg books dee.. sure overweight dee... coz there are so many things i havent buy, my shoes, sandals, etc etc... kekekeke....

anyway, the funny thing was my fren, kah wai saw me in komtar..okies, thats something i dont like when ppl saw me but i didnt see them... he sent a msg to me but i pretended it wasnt me... but when i asked him wat colour tee i was wearing, it was TOTALLY So wrong.. i was wearing PINK but he said yellow..even mum was in black tee..either he is colour blind or guess the wrong person..damn sia sui...MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

hmm.. i think i should plan my trip to SP ler..but i dont know how.. yang just told me that he saw 'my twin' there who is studying medic also... so alike..ishhhh... a replica of me to remind them that im still there... hahahaha...

okies..better oioi early...tmr wana go book my genting tickets dee... hehehehe...cant wait to go there again after 2 years... can go into the casino dee.. sua ku..oink oink...

meeting up...

2006-05-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

its so nice to meet up with the rest of 6 melurian..thou the population is getting smaller and smaller with some of us not in penang, some really lost touch dee... okies..8 of us turn up, me, alicia, melvin, justin, shun yit, christine, chin yen and jean nie... chin yen was so blur that he went over to subaidah first.. hahaha... hooi ching didnt wana come coz she wana see herself on tv as her team won the spirit of kl thingy...way to go, babe... basically, we are now 'divided' into two main categories, those working and those studying... of course those working eh will talk about companies and working thingy... and those studying still or i should say goyang kaki here and there, during hols or no class eh days mah talk about comp thingy or wats interesting here and there...hehe...

hehe..the funny thingy was, fred also turned up at kayu..but urm, we didnt inform him... oppsie...dont mean it... but due to some conflict the other time when y.chang around, i darent think about asking those not very close ler... nvm..there's always a nex time mer.. but the nex time no more kayu dee...must be somewhere near town or pulau tikus dee...haha.... till then.. hope to meet again before i balik merana kat sabah ler..woohoooo....

2006-05-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

dont really know what got into me but i became so moody and restless... i didnt know what actually stimulate that emotion in me... yeah, probably of that word SENSITIVE... im damn sure i hate that word... it hurts to the butt when the person keep repeating the same word each time he joked but im not allow to joke in return... what the .....????? how do u define sensitivity??? and it simply pissed me off when people joke without thinking about how others will feel and the recent was someone PURPOSELY said im khoo may cheng when he knows VERY WELL that im not... i would like to swear mind u, but im being patient... if u gonna step on my tail again, u better make sure u vanish before i see any trace of u... arhhhhhhhhhhh....

another thing, i still couldnt understand why people luv making promises when they know they cant fulfill it... i can remember all the promises people swear to me but i DONT remember any of them fulfilling it... i dont know how many times i have mentioned this but each time i do so, the pain just become worse and the burden becomes heavier... i couldnt do anything coz im not them... i used to pray hard for sum miracles to happen but i dont think i will anymore... its too much for me to carry on like that...

anyway, the NORMALITY that the dr mentioned to me wasnt convincing as i know SOMETHING isnt right...coz the other day when i followed dad to bukit dumbar, i suddenly felt so dizzy after i walked up part of a sloopy road. i didnt tell him coz i dont want them to worry... i just wish i know..maybe BT is right, there's something wrong with my heart... i will go for further screening IF I REALLY HAVE TO before i head back to sabah...

parenting???

2006-05-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

parenting..that was something that NEVER came across my mind..but when i constantly hear ppl my age talking about it, it makes me wonder whether the 'philosophy' my mum has been telling me all these while is true... well, the impact of the question whether i am a mother still lingers in my head... when i learnt that some of my frens already had their first babies right after form 5, i dont envy them.. but im wondering have they made the right decision.. some of them are brave enough to face the real world and bring up their child, but i guess there are many that are still carrying this burden either alone or with someone... i know the best ever gift to a mother is to see her child grow up well... but to carry this burden at a young age, i darent say anything.. i dont doubt that there are successful parents who brought up their children at very young age but i bet they suffer more from those that are more stable in their lives... mum always says, those who are having 'good lives' are those who are already a mother..but i always defer her statement by saying that those are ppl who are 'suffering' ... i dont know whether i say the right thing, maybe i am wrong all the way but that's just my opinion.. i NEVER think of this kind of life at this age.. like i said before... maybe 10 years or more from the present day... i made a promise and im gona make sure i fulfill it before i make any decision in life... its still a long way to go...

half a day at the hospital...urhh...

2006-05-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

it wasnt a good day... i woke up from a nightmare it which someone was trying to shoot me and i was hiding myself until someone shouted my name..then, i woke up and realised it was already 10minutes past 8am.. i was supposed to be at the hospital by now...arh...i jumped up from my mattress, brushed my teeth. took a quick bath and rushed to the hospital..the traffice was horrid expecially those along green lane.. biasa ler.. everytime also like that once it's 8 sumthing in the morning... by the time i reached the parking lot, OMG.. the number of cars is like so walau eh.. i was lucky enough to turn at the last junction before the exit gate and parked at one of the last few spots... adui... had to walk a distance to the outpatient building...

since it was my first time there after i was 21 years old, i had to register as a new 'patient'..used to be under mum or dad, im not sure... when i received my number, i thought it would be pretty fast since there were only 6 numbers to go.. but i didnt know that some patient would actually take like 1hour..lau eh..waited till i was very frust dee.. i wasnt that sick in the beginning but after sitting like an idiot for nearly one hour, it started to get on my nerves dee... when it was FINALLY my turn, after about 1 1/2 hours waiting, it took less than 5 minutes for the doc to ACTUALLY said its normal to have difficulty in breathing and for fingers to turn cyanosis...WALAU EH...if i had know this is the result i will get, thank you..i wouldnt wana see any dr... no comments..really...even those of us in medic school also know that once ur fingers turn cyanosis, there's something wrong especially the heart ... i was wondering how will i be in the next 5 years...that's only if i could survive NORMAL condition...

then, went over to the pharmacy to get my medication...nearly fainted when i saw the number...there were 100 more people to go...okies...i was nearly fainting dee... for the next 45 minutes or so, i couldnt do anything much..so i listened to my MP3(thank GOD i brought along) and observed the people around me.. most are REALLY elderly patients who are pretty weak and i really pity them for coming all by themselves... some of them have hearing problems till their wives had to shout at them to convery any msgs.. some are pretty weak to walk on their own... i couldnt say im a filial daughter but i certainly hope that i could accompany my parents nex time they are to come for further check ups... my heart goes all out to those i saw suffering... i cant really do much but to offer help to those that i can afford like helping a lady to get up from the chair and calling someone's family member using my hp and refusing the lady's payment... all this might meant so much to them as they are thanking me abundantly... what mum said was kinda true... i cant ..i really cant stand seeing all those suffering in front of me without doing anything... i wish i could to something more...

urm...

2006-05-15T10:12:00.000-07:00

i forgot what i wana type... its sumthing that came into my mind when i was about to sleep in the evening... aiyah.. i guess my brain is starting to rot dee..better start opening (not memorising) my ana and physio book...or else will waste my whole lot of energy bringing those 2 books back.,..mum has been saying why do i have to bring anything back when i wont even touch it....oopsie... better change her perception..dad has been constantly asking me to clear my 'unwanted' things but i just dont know where to start..hehe..

hmm..mum says that im worse than a pig... im sleeping like anything..everyday wake up around 11/12...then, by 4/5pm i start to yawn and i just cant resist my 'chaochao' and the mattress.. hehe... paying back for all those sleepless nites i had in UMS... anyway, the other day i felt sharp pain around my heart... i just wonder how my organs look like... will be going for the check up tomolo... praying that everything goes on well.. i dont want mum to follow..coz, urm.. there are certain things i didnt tell parents... i dont want them to worry so much... i hope i can remember all those pains i felt in my body tomolo.. i dont want to miss anything... GOD, please guide me through...

mum boiled the american ginseng (poi sum) soup for me..hehe..my immune system memang weak mer..eat all 'sampah' in sabah...come back home must build up the nutrients level.. hehe... okies..happy birthday to my 'kek sei yang' fren. ng kah wai...and happy teachers day to all teachers including my daddy... hehe..

happy mummy's day...

2006-05-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

13 May 2006...really tamparan hebat for me... no thanx to my dad who asked me to redeem the mother's day gift at the counter... imagine my horror when the lady, who is about 30 plus asked me, " Are u a mother?"...lau eh... Luckily my mother is just beside me... GOODNESS..this people really dont know how to differentiate is it??? i know ler i dee warga tua in class but not at home mer... sia sui... really feel like putting my face inside the toilet... dont even have a bf before, not even married, how to be a mother ler??? aiyo... mum was giggling all the way... cruel... i will not forget that line... wana ask me that question, waitlah another 10 years or more... i still have a long way to go before i even wana think of getting married... arhhhhhhhhh.....

neway, went over to batu kawan to eat seafood with my parents, cousins, aunts and uncle for mother's day celebration...walau eh..so many people..as if its free like that...we ate crab (my fave..but somehow tak cukup puas ler..hehe..dad said will take me go eat crab again..haha)., prawns, fish head, satay, fried ew char koay and vege... the food is very reasonable...so, those coming over to pg, i can take u all there dee but urm, bill u guys settle yeah...muahahaha... i tengah broke dee... even my digi din top up yet... penang is really food heaven...i remember telling my parents im back in heaven when i took my first meal after arriving in penang on last thurs.... hehe..who dare deny that, can go long piak... so many things still not yet mummum...my fave loklok, dim sum, bah kut teh...arh..so much ler...hehe... hopefully my bbq steamboat with my 6melur buddies will work... im craving for that since long ago... those who wana join are welcome...haha..the more the merrier...looks like i have to plan after all..wait for that ah kuan, sure i balik sabah only eat bbq habuk...ish ish....

happy birthday to my dear long time din hear fren..mr.ooi chee eng...remember u owe me a treat... i dun care...blek..dun be super kiam siap yeah... muahahahahaha

wesak...

2006-05-13T00:56:00.000-07:00

wesak day 2006... though it seemed that it would rain like cats and dogs the whole night, i guess Buddha wouldnt like His devotees to be soaked in the rain... it was only rizziling during the beginning of the procession..other then that, the

my fave float...hehe

weather was normal but it was damn hot... i was sweating like anything...

think got the team's name dee...lots of good looking guys too..ehehe
the floats for the procession are getting less and less as the years passed probably due to the high cost and stuff..

burmist temple...

but the number of people who are involved in the procession is increasing..that's good.. hehe... most probably its a 3-days holiday and there were so many people everywhere and the roads were jam packed.....

the team from PBA....kejar them like mad...

mahindrama temple eh...

managed to snap photos of some of the floats that i think are nice...

the team i followed...but mostly bebas ler...hehe

the karaoke team...respect eh..sang for more than 3 hours non stop...

hehe... anyway, didnt take those did my the MBA, which is the main float eh.. hehe..coz every year the decoration also almost the same... aiya..sorrylah to my not pg frens... met a number of people along the way including thong ching, ai lie, jean nie and her bf... haha..okies, my cousin also brought her bf back this time... guess..urm, okies i hate saying this..but im the only one who's single among the 3 cousins of the same age...sad sad sad... wat to do ler...???

neway, i didnt know why i became so depressed after msging with joyce the previous nite..somehow her words hit me right on the spot and i just cant describe the pain ler... yeah, i have my commitments not to anyone but for my future job...i do want to run away from it and have some excitement... but i cant seem to let go of 'him'... i know i told myself i would... im trying up to this day but it just couldnt work... i have tried by every means... plus, im fearful of so many things.. i've seen so many relationship destroy over small matters and i darent imagine the same thing happening to me... i know...people would be saying u never know if u dun try... i just fear so much... just pissed ler when my aunties keep asking each time they see me, "have bf dee arh? u sure u dun hav mer??" wah... really like a slap on the face..ishhh

another thing is... i know my health isnt good..i dont wana burden anyone... i prefer to suffer alone... i dont really wana tell anyone what really happened to me... will be going for my medical check up soon and the result will reveal... i could only prepare for the worse.....

to everyone, do appreciate things and people around u... dont take things for granted... dont regret it... peace...

luckily...

2006-05-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

today mark the 1st week im back in pg..if i didnt change my ticket the second time, i would only be reaching pg tonite...i dont really know what to write at this moment...still kinda pissed when i think back how i was 'tricked' by LEQ... arhh.. feel like slapping him rite on the face... why does he have to make my life so miserable...?

neway, after reading through a few blogs and looking all those photos post by my frens, i guess i missed those SSS (super syonk sendiri) photos.. it has been a long time since i snap photos.. should start warming up my camera especially when Wesak Day is just tomorrow... im not gonna miss all those photos that i didnt take all these years... those going for the Wesak procession, please do let me know ler.. will be going with my cousins... i usually met and saw many people before, during and after the procession... hehe...

ooo...now i remember what i wana talk about... just now when fetchng dad from his tuition, i think i should be consider lucky and i truly thank GOD for that.. if i had accelerate a little bit, i guess i would be bang by the kelisa which was avoiding an oncoming car from the oppostion direction which came into our lanes... DAMN that crazy car who simply overtook when there were cars coming... i was shocked to see the 'swift' action by the driver of the kelisa who turned slighty into the lane in front of me and mum was so stuned and i knew she would be shouting... i dont blame the kelisa as its really an immediate reaction to avoid the oncoming car... that's what always happen in accidents...hence, i guess im lucky to avoid this..im glad i was going slow today... and was honked by those inconsiderate drivers from the first day i drove till today... i was wondering whether they are blind or dumb...how am i suppose to cut into lanes when cars are coming so fast...??? im not gonna risk my life... if u guys wana RIP earlier, dont harm others...they are innocent...

im stil down with my flu... attacked me since early of this week and the condition is slightly better than the one i had in UMS.. but my cough is slightly becoming worse dee... ooopsie...i havent check for any weird sounds in my lungs yet :)... okies..will be going to the doc if the condition doesnt get any better as i fear of pneumonia actually... i dun wana break my promise again... my sleeping sickness is coming back..or was it becoz of my dear 'chao chao'(smelly bolster) that i can sleep so well till so late in the morning or should i say till afternoon.??? mum is about to wack me dee if i continue to be a pig everyday..and worse was, i can still sleep for hours in the evening, something like so tak larat wana wake up at all.. hehe.. dad been bugging me to clear my room..its super messy with notes and books from AIMST..and urm, some right up to stpm thingy..its about time to buang everything dee... hahaha...mum wana renovate my room dee.. just waiting for me to clear my 'unwanted things'..she says she gonna donate my teddies to charity but i WARN her not to... they are my precious teddies... no one can do anything to them..... just hope that i can wake up earlier ler.. hahaha...

neway, HAPPY WESAK DAY TO EVERYONE WHO IS CELEBRATING... may everyone be bless abundantly...

2006-05-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

each of us usually have a limit... so am i.. i was just so pissed off when people dun care about my feelings and do things that i hate so much... i hope that people will just be honest and tell me the truth when they see me... damn the whole evening...destroy my mood...

i agreed when EQ asked me to get sumthing (a mother's day gift) that his company was selling when he called me up on sunday....so, when he called me just now, i thought the product is ready and just to go down and get it as im trying to keep a distance in our frenship.. i didnt know he was lieing to me.. and drove me to mcd... i didnt inform my mum that i was going out and i didnt bring my wallet along..on the way, he was just so cool about it and even dare to say that its been a long time that he didnt ask me out..DAMN U... his real motive was to talk to me about his omegatrend business which i have no interest in.. i already told him since the beginning of the year that im not interested and dun EVER get me involve... DAMN DAMN DAMN... i felt so stupid and PISSED... never felt so 'cheated' like that... even last time, steven was true and honest enough to tell me about it before he intro me to his upline... i was so mad just now and kept my patience till i cant stand it anymore... arhhhhh... i wont change my mind when im really sure of what im doing... even if im interested in this line, i will be joining steven coz he asked me first...

LEE ENG QUIN... i will NEVER forget what u have done to me.. thank u for humiliating me in front of ur watever juniors.. i dun give a damn to whatever u are doing..just dun involve me and dont EVER call me again... I HATE U... I MEAN IT...and stop telling ppl im ur ex... i WAS NEVER ur ex.. and WILL NEVER BE.... GET OUT OF MY LIFE...

to those who are going to join this line or already in this line, DUN EVER mention or drag me in... im gona explode right in front of u.. this is a warning and i hope u guys are clear about it... arhhhhhh...

mummy...

2006-05-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

poem for my dearest mum...happy early mother's day

MUM...

i dont know if i ever told u before

i know i seldom truly speak up until recent years...

i could still remember vividly when u stopped working

i was wondering why?

i was asking how come?

but as time passed by

and when i think back...

i realised all the hardwork

i realised all the pain

i realised all the sufferings u went thru silently

i realised all the struggle u endured

i realised the sacrifices u madefor us...

ur dearest babies...

MUM,

i remembered u asked me before

why didnt i ask for a younger sibling...

i didnt know how to answer at that time...

was it becoz i fear of being left alone?

was it becoz i fear of not being loved?

was it becoz i fear of not being cared?

was it becoz i am happy just to have bro?

or was it im just so stupid to think about it?

im sorry...i still dont know how to answer...

MUM,

throughout my schooling years

i hardly saw ui hardly talk to u

i hardly share anything with ui hardly spend time with u...

i went to school before u woke up...

when u came back, i was in tuition

when im free, u were too tired and went to bed

i didnt care much about it last time...

but when i think back...

i hate myself for not understanding

i hate myself for not caring

i hate myself for not concerning...

MUM,

i can still remember how tired u were

i can still remember how pressured u were

i can still remember how stressful u were

i can still remember how painful u went thru on certain days...

u might not know

but

i did see those tears in ur eyes...

i did feel the pain in ui did feel the suffering in u...

MUM,

u might think i was crazy to have this thought...

but i used to think i wasnt being loved...

i will NEVER forget how rebellious i was last time...

i can still remember how i hated brother

i asked why i was the one being scoldedi

asked why i was the one being 'blamed'?

how i wish he didnt have to be so smart

how i wish he didnt have to score straight As

and putting a hell lot of pressure on me in every exam...

i am truly sorry for my foolishness

i am truly sorry for my stupidity

coz i know, if not for him...

i wouldnt have challenged myself to the max

i wouldnt have pressured myself to the max

i wouldnt have worked hard

i wouldnt have made so many sacrifices

i wouldnt have learnt to fend for myself

i wouldnt have learnt how to be independent

i wouldnt have learnt how to stand by myself

i wouldnt even be here pursuing my dream...

MUM,

over these years

i was searching for true frens...

i told myself i wouldnt have a best fren

but i was wrong...

coz all these while, i do have a best fren..

who is always by my side

who NEVER leaves me alone

who NEVER fail to love me

who NEVER fail to care for me

who NEVER fail to support me

who NEVER fail to encourage me

who NEVER fail to mend my broken heart

who NEVER fail to share my pain

who NEVER fail to share my burden

who NEVER fail to share my joy

and im proud to say that its YOU...

MUM,

i can NEVER repay u for all the things u did for me...

i can NEVER thank u enough for every thing...

but i swear to u...

i will NEVER forget the promises i made

i will NEVER forget all the suffering u went thru for us

i will NEVER forget anything that u did for us...

coz i know...

u truly luv us

u truly care for us

u truly treasure us...

MUM,

if i were to be given a choice...

i swear to u...

i will NEVER trade anything for this family

i will NEVER want anyone else to be my mother except YOU

i will NEVER want anyone else to be my father except DAD

i will NEVER want anyone else to be my brother except KOKO...

i will NEVER disappoint u all anymore...l

ove u all from the bottom of my heart to the bottom of soul.....

life a year ago...

2006-05-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

at times..
i dont know whether what im doing is right or wrong
i dont know how to convey my messages
i felt so lost and im fearful of hurting the people i love...

these few days,
i received many messages from people i left 1 year back
i didnt realise that they are people that will keep in touch with me
and im proud to say that they are those very few true frens i found in AIMST
i guess they did make a difference when i was there
just that i didnt realise it till i left that horrid place...
i still remember..
someone told me, she regretted for not knowing me better when i was in AIMST
now, im wondering whether do i feel the same for not knowing the rest...
sometimes, i do think back how life would be if i didnt get the offer in UMS
will i still be striving like mad...or just to aim for a passing mark?
i dont know and i dont really wana know either...
there's no turning back and i can only move forward..no matter what...
i NEVER regret my decision to grab the opportunity..
yeah, it had been my dream and i wouldnt let anything hinder my path
and i will NEVER disappoint those who are supporting me all the way..
to my dearest frens in AIMST...
no matter where i will be..or how far we are drifted apart...
i will NEVER forget those 8 months when i was in AIMST...
i will foreva treasure those messages u ppl sent to me...
i will always remember that u ppl are supporting me all the way...
im glad to have found u ppl there...
may GOD bless u all always...

2006-05-07T11:46:00.000-07:00

its just so nice to be back... i reached on thursday nite... its kinda scary when the plane passed the clouds... the journey back from KK was kinda irritated with one child 'crying' for almost the whole journey..it reminded me of my irritating cousin whom im trying my very best to avoid... the plane to penang was slightly delayed... but the excitement of reaching home just couldnt be control anymore..i was smiling all the way..trying to catch some sleep but just couldnt... so, just stare blankly outside the window for the whole journey..hehe..i reached penang international airport around 8.30pm... by the time i took my luggage and met my parents, it was almost 9.00pm...the funny thing was i couldnt recognize my luggage and ran after it when i realized it was mine... muahahaha

then, my tummy was shouting to be fed..so damn hungry...dad took me to a new place to have dinner cum supper... ate ikan and sotong panggang, belacan tauhu (something new) and noodles... YUMMY..when i reached home i was eating watever choc bar i saw in the fridge... i really gona gain so much weight.. haha.. didnt really go anywhere on fri. my whole body was aching after having to carry my luggages, laptop and backpack.. i brought my stetescope back, so gonna find my 'victims'. hehe...

saturday,...that was last nite, was in a dilemma whether to go for a wedding dinner... but THANK GOD, joyce's sms saved me.. she came over to penang to find me...hahaha... so i escaped all those aunties questions... we went to eat lok lok in pulau tikus, then moved over to kayu to eat roti tisu and cheeze nan.. we talked and talked till my dad called... but i think still got so much to talk about...im planning to go over to SP to find the rest in AIMST... and wana kek si yih yang.. mengumpat so many people last nite.. to update the news in AIMST... haha.. still so damn kaypo o... kuakua...

went to dinner just now... haha.. really sesat ler.. i dont know most of the people there... just go and eat... today also i reeceived a call from EQ...im still wondering about his words... nvm... dun wana think so much... aint gona turn back... gona enjoy my break to the max...urm, my books..still in the luggage... duno when only will touch...maybe not.. maybe yes coz most of my frens are in their industrial training or practicals... see how things go then... chao.. those free to go yamcha, just sms me ler...

just crappings

2006-05-07T11:39:00.000-07:00

ROOMIES

before i came to sabah, i was so worried when it came to the issue of getting new roommates. i had bad experiences back in AIMST and i certainly didnt wan history and nigthmares to repeat...i could still remember praying to GOD to bless me with good roommates whom i could get along with. i guess my prayers were answered and im glad to have 3 roommates who i will NEVER forget... atiyyah from kelantan, nijjah from sabah and siow hui from johor. each of us have different and weird characters...but it was fortunate that we get along well with each other... :))i being the eldest in the room was like a mother... hahaha... tapao for them if i were to go down to the cafe or went out with my group members till people who saw me asked whether do i have to eat so much..kakaka...i am usually the one who slept the latest...kinda get used to it dee ler...and of course, the latest to wake up also ler...then, nijjah would the earliest to sleep most of the time... both she and siow hui luv to sing while they are studying...memang layak to masuk any singing competition dee... hehe... atiyyah, will the the one whose alarm clock will wake all of us but not her... hahaha... kinda surprising too...coz i will be the one waking up not her when her alarm sounded for a few rounds...i will NEVER forget the coffee smell in our room as me and siow hui need our 'energy booster' to keep us awake... atiyyah and nijjah rarely drink coffee unless they are too sleepy... then, hehe... our gossip time when we are too bored or we managed to get some juicy info... hehehe... at that time, we were thankful for having each other as roommates as we are not choosy or fussy... more like 'give and take'... during the last week of exam, we were more like movie and drama marathon rather than studying... hehehe... siow hui was on her novel marathon even before the exam starts. but as the semester came to the end, the fear of having to change roommates really haunt us... we are trying our best to stay together... just hope that some miracles will happen somehow...no matter what, i will NEVER forget the times we spent together and it will remain sweet in my memory... im really glad to have them as my roommates... we do share some of our problems together... and yeah, each time before any of us were to present in the seminar, we will give our moral support... that's the spirit... take care my dear roomies... bubye room 1.02, blok B, kampung C...

MY DEAREST FREN..JT
at last i did manage to complete my first year...
waiting for the result was so horridit was so suffering
but thank GOD..
i managed to pull through so many obstacles to complete...
like what the lecturers like to mention...
u're now 1/5 of a doctor.....
i dont really know how bad my grades are
i dont really care at this moment
i just wana go back to be with my family and my dearest frens...
i dont know how to mention the feelings...
but i wasnt feeling alright after i saw the msg
my heart was screaming in pain...
why?why is it happening?
how could this be happening?
how could life be so painful to certain ppl???
how could life be so cruel to certain ppl???
someone once asked...
how could GOD be so unfair to certain ppl?
i dont know the answer...
i will NEVER know...
why certain ppl have to suffer all the time?
why certain ppl have to endure pain all the time?
why certain ppl have to undergo the harsh way?
but...why others arent contented with what they have?
why others dont appreciate with what they have?
i remember i started saying...
NOTHING is fair in this world...
and i will keep that in mind always...
my dearest fren...
i wish i could just fly back and be with u after i read ur msg...
why didnt u inform me earlier?
why didnt u share with me ur probs?
why didnt u open up?
why do u have to be so selfish?
why do u have to do this to me?
why didnt u keep ur words?
have u forgetten our promise to be with each other?
every time...
im the one who open up...
im the one who msg u whenever im down
im the one who msg u wheneverim sick
im the one who msg u whenever im suffering
im the one who msg u whenever im happy
im the one who msg u whenever i need advices
im the one who msg u whenever i need opinions
im the one who msg u whenever i need comfort...and...
im glad when u called or replied my msgs
u made me felt that im not alone...
u made me felt that im being cared...
u made me felt that im being loved...
but...i cant understand...
why?
why didnt u do the same when u're down?
why didnt u do the same when u do need some comfort?
u know very well i care about u more than myself
u reminded me of that when i was sick...
u made me feel so bad and guilty i can hardly close my eyes and sleep..
im thinking what i should do when im back
im thinking what i should talk to u when im back
should i pretend everything is ok?
should i pretend u NEVER told me that?
should i just be silent and let u speak?
should i just lend u my shoulders?
should i just give u a hug to comfort u?
i wish i know what else to do
besides praying to GOD to guide u through...
im so helpless...pls teach me

KY...
if loving someone is so suffering...
why do we have to love???
i thought i am strong enough to pull through
i thought i am determine enough to let go
i thought i am strong enough to erase the memory
i thought i am determine enough to move ahead...
but how much have i succeeded?
why?why my heart aches each time im alone?
why my heart scream in pain each time memories of u flow back?
why do tears just roll down when i saw ur photo?
why do tears just roll down when i remembered ur comfort voice?
was it a mistake that cant be forgiven?
was it a mistake that changed our lives?
was it a mistake that jeopardized our frenship?
u know very well i fear to be alone
u know very well i fear of losing a fren
i fear of going for the check up..
but
im keeping my promise
a promise to my parents and frens who truly care for me
im struggling silently
im pulling through silentlyi know its gonna be a severe condition
i fear...i really do...
i do wish u would accompany me...
but i know it will NEVER happen...
i will NEVER tell u ...
coz i know im long forgetten...
i know i dont have a place anymore in ur heart...
u no longer care
u no longer understand
u no longer know me...
u were NEVER there for me
and u will NEVER be there for me...

it so sad...

2006-02-03T10:44:00.000-08:00

even though there was only like nine of us( me, ernest, justin, yong chang, shun yit, hooi ching, siew siew and christine) for this time reunion, i'm glad we did meet up somehow. it wasnt easy organizing this reunion kinda thingy... and i officially 'resign' today... i guess its time for someone else to take over this 'task'... i just hope dinesh will stop bugging me to do this and that anymore... we chatted for sometime and everyone really changed from the last time i met them... time has changed and all of us will be 22 this year...that's like so freaking to me as im only in first year while others have graduated, graduating, working and worse doing masters.... arhhh.. it makes me feel so horrid i dont know why..... im having my test on tues but what the heck... i havent been touching the notes i brought back... im gona flop nicely for it... it sux to the max.... i tried studying but it just wouldnt get in... what am i supposed to do??? arhhhhhhhhh.... and the idea of flying back to sabah in like 24 hours time makes me feel so damn sick... out of a sudden, im having headache and flu... been sneezing the whole day... arhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... going back syndrome is killing me again... i just cant get over it... will be a bz day tmr..didnt even think of packing... ishhhhhhhhhhhh

how shud i name this??

2006-02-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

it's my first blog here...maybe i will start posting here...

well, two more days before i head back to sabah...its really i dont know how to express that feelings. i was supposed to prepare for my test on tues, but i dont seem to find the composure. it's so funny that i read two line of my notes and the next thing i knew was i slept the whole day and only wake up in the evening. mum was shocked. i dont know what got into me...the sleeping syndrome is back... im just so so so tired. nothing i did could keep me awake. im sure to flop badly in my test... sigh... wat to do... these 2 days gona eat till i muntah.. my tummy is as if im pregnant for how many months dee... kakaka...kinda sad that bro went back to puchong deee.... wat to do..??i dont even know when will be the next time i will meet him... there are still many things that i need to do but i still didnt do...as usual..last minute work... i didnt even know how to start prof d'souza's SSM..duh.. will complete tmr i think... just hope that i could meet up with sum frens tmr... arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... i just need to express this hard feelings... kinda stressed...